A thought that came out of sudden...

Basically,

I had a great day.

I had a wonderful lesson from my beloved lecturer,

had an interesting Tai Chi lesson from a friend,

had a nice dessert with bunch of best friends,

had a nice talk with one of my best friend,

had a nice counseling session with a counselor,

then before home,

hung around in college gym with that bunch of friends;

then home,

Had a nice dinner from mom,

relax and played some computer games with mom,

and now,

leave some times for myself to reflect

on what had appear on my mind today.

That best friend of mine

told me about his story.

& from his story

I realized something very important.

He is having some problems in his relationship,

both of them are suffer

but yet try hard to seek for solutions.

I can see that they are still very young

to handle such problems

as

They did not understand the proper way

to handle the relationship.

They use others' ways to apply on own's,

as a result

both of them suffer so much

until they feel suffocated.

(now I understand why mom not encouraging me

to commit in a relationship when I was in high school,

as i was not mature enough to handle such thing)

IN MY OPINION

(so, it's just my opinion)

A relationship should not copy from other's relationship,

those ways that could bring happiness to others

do not mean that the ways can apply on you relationship.

For me,

a relationship would be most well

when the time two of you stay together

and feel comfortable on how each other is

without doing much other unnecessary things.

You might want to have some slight changes to improve yourself

but those are come out of your willingness from your heart.

You definitely have confidence on all of you

and you would not do anything that you feel is unnecessary.

Understand?

Another case of another best friend.

(Now seems like I got lots of best friend ya? :p)

Relationship again.

Also something related to maturity of the person involved.

This relationship has lots of doubts among each other.

From my point of view,

if I have chosen him,

I would choose to trust him,

no matter what.

Coz this is my choice.

(just an illustration, coz that HIM hasn't appear. :p)

Same thing,

if I do have doubts on him,

I would not choose him.

Even I would choose him at the end,

but before that I will surely clarify those doubts with him.

If I have choose him, but yet still not have any trust on him,

it's unfair to him!

I just couldn't understand,

why you want to choose him if initially you have so many doubts on him?

Think of that.

Second,

believe on your judgement.

Instead of listen to those rumors

try to understand him well.

Give yourself a chance to understand what is happening.

Nobody would know who is the best for you

but only you would know.

Once you feel like you are still

unable to let go those thoughts,

let him go.

He is not the one who suits you.

If you have chosen him,

have faith on him.

This is the underlying principle on each relationship

even friendship,

before any violation happens in between from any party.

Kids,

nanny is giving advices to you all now.

Relationship is not a game,

it's so fragile and

you need to handle with care.

Be mature, and responsible on each relationship.

If you are too young to handle it,

please let the person go.

The person deserves a better one who know how to appreciate him/her.

On the other hand,

you would get yours when you have enough maturity to handle a relationship.

NEVER think of any doubts when you are in a relationship,

it's the poison that killing your relationship slowly.

No matter how,

have faith on your partner,

because you chose him/her.

When you have doubts on him/her

means that you are doubting your own option.

Think of this.

I think it's enough for now.

Nanny is tired now.

Good luck kids!

see you tomorrow.

My mom~

I had a whole day with my mom.

She made me touched

deeply

today.

She told me her intention that

she wants to buy a house that being put on auction

by a bank.

She wanted me to accompany her for that.

She let me know last night,

and I can see she really wants me to go with her.

When I woke up this morning,

she had done 1 of the thing we need to do today.

I was touched as last night

I told her that

this kind of thing she can do it by herself.

Meanwhile, I feel sorry to her too.

Eventually,

the initial plan was cancelled due to certain reason,

then I just stay home a whole day with my mom.

We were having lots of talk

when I was doing my assignments

and she was doing her job.

Suddenly,

I feel really blessed to have her.

She told my grandma,

"I do not mean to criticize on you,

but sometimes when you cannot see your mistakes

it's my obligation to tell you

and remind you.

So, do I.

When I do mistakes,

my daughter will tell me.

I am learning a lot from my daughter."

*half way typing, tears drop*

True.

She really listen a lot from me.

Today,

She asked me few English words,

she is trying to learn English by reading my dad's newspaper.

Everyday, she would ask some words from us.

I still remember,

I taught her something.

I teach her to play soduku,

and this made her a habit to play every night before bed.

I wrote a blog in US,

she learn to go online to read my blog.

I told her

it is important to be brave to dream,

because last time she was timid to have her own dream.

Too much....

I could not say it all.

Everything I said

She just keep in her mind and heart well.

She is giving whole faith to me

believe me that I can make it

even she has certain worries on me.

Especially when I was in US.

I know she loves me very much.

I love you too, mom.

Sorry on my fault.

Thank you so much.

Privacy~

This is my yesterday thought!

I was lazy to type it out

and today I need to do two.

Tired some more, now regret why I procrastinating....

About this issue,

I really need to tell you all as soon as possible.

I hope this blog

you would keep it well,

not share to anyone,

as well as those you know they got rights to read this.

This is a private place for me

to monitor my own progression

and also to update you all about me

and my journey out of this.

Maybe you might think this is not very private

but for me yes.

I can frankly tell you that

You are very LUCKY

to have such chance to read this.

Only those who are close to my heart

can have such chance.

This is the most vulnerable part of me,

because this blog is just me,

everything of me.

I hope you would treasure this well

as I believe you could do this little request from me well too.

I do not hope to say this,

but I know I got to say it.

"If I know anyone who violate this priority,

I will certainly take back this from that person."

I would not say something strong like this that often

but,

when I said it,

I mean it.

Sorry by having doubts on you,

but I just want to remind you that

not everyone can have this

you are the chosen one.

Please take good care of my fragile heart,

I could never accept any hurt

at least at this stage.

Sorry.

Thanks my dear friend.

Thanks for being by my side when I need you.

The first 100 days~

I slept for about 6 hours

got up early

because I know I need to do something

for her

though it's not my belief.

That's the only thing I can do for her.

Again,

I really want to finish one of the assignment

by today

but I still failed,

yet giving myself some lame excuses.

Disappointed.

When it's the time I almost going to bed

I do my blog before all.

Meanwhile,

my little sis was keep on talking to me

about this and that,

those idol thingy that make me feel bored.

That time I only realized

I really need some private time and space

just to do whatever I wish to do.

Sorry girl, for being so rude to you just now.

I called you to sleep first and I mean it.

It's not the time to discuss about Shinee or who else.

Tomorrow must do something for my self.

Good night world.

Words~

I have no idea what to say today.

I woke up quite late

then after lunch sent my brothers and sister

to their Taekwondo grading,

Accompany mom went to shop

for some necessities

Then slept for 2 hours.

I did mean to sleep that long,

but just uncontrollable.

I was then woke by mom

after shower and dinner

went out with her to shop again.

( Shopping today is mainly

for some kind of ritual[chinese/taoist' believe]

for my deceased sister

100 days after her death)

100 days!

I could not imagine she left us for 100 days.

But, I know I've accept this fact,

and working hard to let my self live better,

and even live her out!

By living in her faith,

which she believe everyone should live happily

and never give up on the dream.

I am trying hard,

and I know I can make it!

Before I come to this blog,

I did something

which I think it's important to me.

I revealed the truth to the one who deserved to know.

After all, the person is lost.

I could not do anything,

just wish that the person will be fine,

and have faith that the person can make it.

Few days ago,

a friend asked,

"How to judge a person?"

She wants to know this answer desperately,

just because she is hurt badly

in her friendship.

Seriously,

I could not answer the question,

because I also do not know how to evaluate a person's character,

or knowing the person just by getting into contact with that person.

For me,

if a person want to hide something from you,

you could never know that thing.

It's true!

For me,

I would just keep more to myself

instead of giving whole heart to others

as to leave myself something to shield me from deep hurt.

I would not judge who do I deserve to give or not,

everyone would share the fair chance.

When I feel that person worth me to give more,

I'll slowly give more to that person,

I won't just give the person a lot when I am first knowing the person.

And that's why

I was once before

told my machi that

a relationship that goes/progress very fast

it would ends fast too.

Because of this,

I was really terrified with my fast growing relationship

with 2 of my machi,

meanwhile

they proved me that they are my real machi

that I just think too much.

However, this is still one of my principle,

in going into a new friendship.

I want to reduce hurt for both side.

I was once before

like to listen to something nice to hear.

And due to this reason

I was once before hurt badly.

I will never forget,

one of my machi told me

"Never listen to something sweet,

They are like drugs poisoning you;

Just listen to those words which are hard to get into your ears,

Those are the words which are only from those who are sincere to you."

*except for those harsh words and curse*

This advice was pierced into my heart.

And because of this,

I understand who is my real friend,

and who is just there to say something good,

and I do not know the real intention behind...

I don't care at all now

^^

However, because of such advice

I always tell out the truth

that is hard for a person to accept.

And this kind of attitude

make me having more friends

and more enemies (those who can't accept what I said).

Maybe sometimes I just think too much,

said too much,

revealed too much...

I shall stay like this or change?

I feel like I could not afford to hurt people anymore.

Sigh....

Thanks for reading after all.

What a Day! ^^

I had a wonderful day.

Tired but happy.

Woke up early in the morning,

went to a primary school nearby

be a volunteer for a one-day-camp,

which invited by my previous primary school classmate

who seldom talk to each other.

The first time I promise to help out

just on my selfishness,

to make my self feel I am well,

doing something I could do for the community.

I did not expect I could do how much,

and I did not expect I would get how much,

my heart called me

"Just go, do your best."

Eventually

I lead those kids well

and had some memorable moments

with those cuties.

I found out something important

that I got to accept.

My energy level drop tremendously.

I went home by 4pm,

tired till slept few hours,

woke up before dinner.

Previously I was highly energized,

I can keep my self engaged the whole day

since the early morning

till mid night.

This scenario could not be found on me anymore.

I sleep at least 8 hours per day.

Yet, I could not engaged to too many activities,

I will be very tired.

I am so sad that I could not do much thing now.

But then,

I understand this is a very important step for me

to let me go through the healing process thoroughly.

I am now think of slowly build up my energy level

to back to that passionate me.

From day to day

bit by bit.

Just now when I was bathing,

I recalled some of the quotes that a friend posted on her facebook,

I dropped my tears

out of happy, not sad.

I really feel happy

because she is having some changes.

A well change

made me feel really touch,

till I could not describe it.

I have a strong feeling towards a quote she posted,

"Be careful who you choose to trust, because you never know who is waiting to stab you in the back. "

Agree to this statement,

and I am aware that

if I agree I am contradicting myself

towards this friendship.

I was once really put a lot of efforts

on pondering such issue

to reduce the hurt that I would get.

After experiencing so much,

I am now letting go such thoughts,

I do not mind to let people know how I think,

Do not mind anyone to hurt me if they are intend to,

just give out how much I can give.

When something really goes wrong

I'll just leave,

keep a distance from that person.

People often said

obstacles would make a person grow,

or make a person to be wiser.

I'll never deny this fact.

But if I can choose,

I'll opt to be always stay happy

without such thing,

like those kids I met today.

I could never back to those gullible days anymore.

I enjoy to stay with them

as I could feel their trueness

are influencing me

making me feel happy.

^^

All The Things You never Knew

Today,
I just feel like back to that previous me!
Just because my time is fully occupied.
Feel great after all.

After the morning class,
two friends and I went back my home
to do an interview
with my elderly neighbor,
before our class by 3pm.
Class till 5 something,
stay a little while to help
my pretty sis in college
to transfer some documents.
Then went home
dinner and rest.

Today I found out something good.
The entire class had changed their attitude
towards the new lecturer,
who is always confusing us.
I really enjoy that kind of atmosphere.

Yesterday,
the counselor reminded me
to have a little time each day
to do some mourning for my sis.
I do not know how would it work,
but I did it today,
when I was driving home,
my tears drop once I heard a song
from Wang Lee Hom
"All the Things You never Knew".
I got to know that this is one of the favorite song
of my deceased sister.
When I listen to this song,
I feel like she was talking to me.

"The sky is sprinkled over with countless stars" 夜空洒满了星星

"But how many there will remain?" 但几颗会落地

"Even as I fly, you fall" 我飞行，但你坠落之际

"So close I can hear you breath" 很靠近 还听见呼吸

"So sorry I didn't keep hold of you" 对不起 我却没捉紧你

"You don't know why I had to leave you" 你不知道我为什么离开你

"How could I ignore your every cry" 我坚持不能说放任你哭泣

"All the while the downpour of your tears

shattering the ground" 你的泪滴像倾盆大雨 碎了满地

"So clearly pierced on my heart" 在心里清晰

Maybe I really do not know why

but I am understand now that

She knows I am suffering,

she knows I could not let her go,

but she is still wish the best for me.

I understand that I should help her

to make her dreams come true,

and

live her spirit out!

which she always hope people around her

to be happy.

Thanks to be my angel!

I am working hard

to pass your message to the world.

I promise I will be happy.

Thanks dear!

Miss you~

Answer to the heart~

Few days,
I have think of some issues for few days.
I am consciously seeking for an answer
that could resolve all my doubts.
Eventually,
I found out today that
the answer to my heart,
is just the answer from my heart,
innately.

Suddenly I feel really silly.
Lots of efforts on the wrong way.

huuuh....
At least, I feel great now.
Really thanks to a person
who having similar thinking with me
spent almost 2 hours with me,
just to untie my messy mind.
I've made my mind,
what I can do
the best for me and others.

Done with that part,
now talk about my own first.
I went for a counselling session
for 1 and half hour
under SEGi Psyche ...
I don't exactly know that name for clear.

I met with this Miss Lin
who led a psychology workshop that I joint last 2 weeks.
She is actually under internship,
two days per week,
and pursuing master degree in counselling, in UM.
(This is what I got after that session.
So, I was not evaluate her performance based on her qualification.)

For me,
she is good,
but not till that extend that I need.
(So Straight! ><)
Can I just go straight? (seems like criticizing her now...)
She is well in empathizing,
She is well in explaining those theories
(especially when I mentioned that I am a psyche student)
She gave me lots of space to express my self
(maybe too much,coz we got a lot of silence in between).
She is good right?
but I was really hope that she would guide me in some thinking,
rather than explaining me some theories
(like
Grieving got few stages-denial, angry, depressed...
This seems like a lecture for me. >_<
Friend in psyche, you know what to do next time)

However,
after all,
I am still appreciate her efforts.
At least I understand I could do something more
for myself.
I can live myself out
IF I WANT TO!
^^v

Hmm....
what else can I share?
Maybe it's enough for today.

Last but not least.
Today I shall say thanks to 3 lecturers of mine,
plus 1 I don't know how to describe;
1 counselor,
1 friend that close to my thoughts(just thoughts not emotions XD)
my mom,
bunch of friends,
and
myself!
(because I got the answer I want!)

Serene~

I was once live silently
in my serene world,
without any noise
and any crowds.
I loved that kind of life
but at the same time,
I was looking forward
to those party life,
interesting social life.

I made it!
What I dreamed for so long,
I've make it true,
and yet living in such fascinating life.
Friends everywhere,
no more loneliness,
sometimes, I can even choose to have my own solitude.
It's just exactly what I want!

However,
it is not easy to have such life.
Before I could really survive in such,
I have to survive from all kind of difficulties
in term of friendship.
Went through all kind of doubts,
betrayals, joys, give ups, false hopes,
....
Now left a wiser me
and few friends that
willing to accompany me in coming journey.

Yesterday
I went through so much
until I could not face it
with a calm mind.

I was thinking
Should or Shouldn't I do something?
Was I wrong to reveal something?
I am lost.
I really do not know that is a truth
a hidden truth that only few people know.
& I do not know that the truth would
bring out so many issues
and sadness.

I am bad right?

I should not do that....

AAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaaaaaa........

I really wish I can back to the point
that everyone is free from any hurt
NOW

I do not know what shall I do now.
but I really realized a lot.

-I understand that everyone would have different stand
either to protect themselves
or to protect people around them.

-Never predict or assume anything.

-Though truth is meant to be revealed,
but IT must be done in an appropriate time.
(I'm still in a need to reveal another truth,
when that person is ready.)

-When I give out my whole heart,
people will know.

-Everyone would have own choice to choose
whether to hurt or to be hurt;
to love or to be love.
(No one shall give any comments on one's decision,
They know the consequences well, and ready for it.)

NOW
it's the time to test my conscientiousness.
Should I let the person know
that cruel truth?
OR I just let the person gets hurt
to realize that's a trap?
><
But then,
It would be super hurt when that person knows that.
Is the person ready for it?
( You might be blur on what I am trying to say here,
Actually I am blur too. The point here is,
After I revealed the truth, I got to know another truth.)

You might be guessing who is related to this truth.
When you read this,
and you have doubts on this,
please come and clarify with me.
No matter what has happened before,
I just hope this little truth can help.
(You will know when I write this, if you read)

Soon,
I'll back to my world of serene.
When I'm done with all these that I need to do.
^^

Thanks friends!

hmmm....

I really do not understand
what am I supposed to do now, ><

What a tough day for me!

I think I did something in a wrong sequence,
It should not appear so fast!
She is not ready for that yet.
I was just make her suffer...

hmmm...
Let me process what I want to say before all....

The start~

Since you have so much courage to face the death, why don't you take out your courage to continue your life? This is my little advice to all, when I recalled how tough was my deceased sister life to struggle for survival just to keep to her promise as I could see her when I back from the far far place. Friend, please, continue your life bravely! Though I am trying hard now.

I posted this on my facebook status,
as a warm reminder
to those who have a flash of mind
thinking to let go everything in their life.
Though this seems to be not so powerful,
But it would still work when
those who mean to see it,
see it at the right time.
I might keep on posting such thing
if I aware that someone might feel like giving up something
even not life.

Today consider a start for me.
I walk out from my comfort zone
to go into the crowd.
Even though I was not comfortable in the beginning
but I've gone through it
and made it!

I went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta
at Putrajaya
with bunch of my friends.
Even though we could not make it for a ride
on the hot air balloon,
but the whole gang of us still having lots of fun.

Ever since I back from US,
I rarely join a huge gang or crowd.
I feel really not comfortable.
I can only have a little, few people gathering,
instead of the huge gang.

I am glad I have a step more out from that.
Thanks to you all~

the issue

I gotta really calm my mind down and think of this issue.
I think I can really let this go now,
That's why I can point it out
and talk about it.

What I need to do now,
is only
FORGIVE.

I read few quotes today about FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. -Suzanne Somes
Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave. -Indira Gandhi

These two gave me a deep feeling about forgiveness.

I've forgave the mistake that someone done on me.
Though I am not sure that the mistake
was done on purpose,
but I really can let go now.

However,
this could not bring us back to the previous relationship.
There is a crack in the relationship.
It won't be back to the beginning anymore.
I was once saying that
I would give more time to those
I feel that the person worth.
I do not think I would give any of mine
to this person anymore.
I couldn't accept such thing in the future anymore.

I just realized
the thing that I couldn't accept
more than a lie,
is betrayal.

A tired day~

I went through lots today.
Feel tired...
update tomorrow.

Truth?

When comes to the word "truth",
What is flashing on your mind?

A real and cruel situation?
A happy thing that you would like to have?
A white lie?
A real friendship?
Something that u know but U would not willing to know?

Last time,
I was a person who wanna know the truth
no matter what's the consequences followed.
now,
I still wish to know the truth
but the different is
I wish to know the truth in a suitable timing.

Too much of truth I know within this 2 months.
every kind of emotions appeared when I know those.
However, I could just accept them peacefully,
except for that only one.

Today,
I accidentally revealed a truth.
Even I do not know that's a truth
for a person.
The person suddenly feel released.
All negative things that saved in that person's mind were deleted.

I can just realized
a truth can diminish some misunderstanding.

However,
It is still depends on the person whether
the person want to accept it as a truth.

Friend,
if u want me to know some truth,
please ask me ready for it before all.
If not, hide it from me before u feel me is ready.
Same thing,
if I would like to tell u a truth,
I'll see whether it's suitable or not.
U might not know if u couldn't accept it.

Cherish the one who willing to tell the truth!
It's never be late to know a truth!

Junks of my Thoughts! (2)

Today I donated some money to SPCA
by buying some stuff from the booth at the lobby.
SPCA is the Society For Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
which is an association that keeps all stray dogs,cats,
or even those little animals that being neglected by their owners.

If a person being judged
whether he/she is a caring and loving person,
by simply observation
on the passion towards those little pets.
I WOULD BE THE FIRST WHO HAS NO SUCH CARE!
I would not have any pet in my life,
and I wish not to have one either!
I don't even care if people say
I'm not a caring person.

I love those small animals
but I would never have one to be my pet.
I am not a cold-blooded person.
I just do not wish to hurt a little life.
If I owned a pet,
I might be too busy on my daily life
and neglected it.
I wish I could really allocate some times for it
but I just couldn't.
Not that I am trying to give any excuse,
I know myself well.
I'll even forget my own meal time,
forget important dates of my family,
busy until mess up the sleeping time......
How could I mess up a little innocent's life
by my hand
just because I WANT A PET to accompany me
when I have no where to go?
It's UNFAIR to it!

You might be wondering
what reason and philosophy is that?
Is my ultimate philosophy.
I'm clear on what I am doing.
I would not wish to see little animal suffer
just because I love it.
That's selfish,
not loving!
They deserved those owners who can really care for them
love them entirely.

Love you, but I'll let you go.
You deserve more!
My little doggie~
^^

Junk of my thoughts! (1)

I really do not know where should I start first.
My thoughts keep on accumulated since last week,
those that I wish I could jot it down
every single that appears in my mind.

I keeps on procrastinating
as I am suffering headache for a full week.
I am not sure whether I am sick physically
or only extended from my psychological problems.
Anyway, I keep on telling myself
"I AM FINE SOON!!!"
Not a self-lying
but a little tricks to my subconscious mind
(application of LOA)

Mmmhhh...
I was thinking to separate each of the thought
into different post.
& that's why I used a lot of time
to organize it in my mind.

1st,
I would like to talk about
a talk which related to parents and children relationship,
which I went last Friday.
If you ask me how much did I gain from it,
I'll let you know
I gain just a little.
But the talk inspired me to understand something.
Something that I feel I would like to jot it down here.

The speaker explained that
the healthy parents and child relationship
is interdependence.
She reminds the audiences that
"When you love your children,
you should let your children fly freely.
In the condition that,
before your children could independent,
Equipped them well
with all that they need.
When they are ready,
just let go they hand
and tell them
"Go children,
go and explore the world.
When you are having any problem
or doubts,
we are always there for you."

This situation applies when the children
ready to enter society.
It is important for the children to understand
family is always meant to be a shelter
when a person is having difficulties outside.
When the person is truly understand such importance
at the last part of life of the parents,
the children will back to the parents side
and take care of them.
That's the reason
this relationship is interdependence.

I'm proud that my mom
applies this on me!
I began to fly few years back,
every time I feel tired
I will just rest at home.
I really feel blessed to have mom by my side
every time I need her.

Now,
we are hurt so deeply.
Both of us need time to heal.
I understand that by this time
I gotta stay by her side
even I could do nothing.
To make her feel I am there for her.
Sometimes,
I'll still overwhelmed by those,
I just let out my temper.
Accept.
WE could only accept.
I told her.

Alright, that stop here.
I wanna talk about some other thing that related.
I realized that when the speaker mentioned that
relationship is interdependence
or mutual,
I think of my friends.

Friend
When comes to this word,
I never hesitate how much should I keep for myself
How much should I trust them.
because,
I will trust them
they would not do anything that harm me.
I always believe that
when I give a person my entire heart,
the person will take good care of my heart.
This is my faith,
to be true to everyone I meet
Everyone I know.
Only the different is that
I give more time to those I feel
the person is worth for.

I always believe friendship is mutual.
When a person willing to give me his/her time,
I'll willing to give mine.
I believe that true friend
no matter how deep is the hurt that has been made
they will just accept it
and never talk about it again.
I am blessed as I found out
I got a lot of true friends
who are willing to stay by my side
or even accept those negative things from me
without blaming me,
only give me some warm reminder,
which could guide me back to my right track.
This condition is vice versa.
( & only apply on those I feel is worth for)

Thanks for being by my side~

Give me a reason to forget...

【給我一個理由忘記】
(Give me a reason to forget)

雨都停了 ~The rain has stopped
這片天灰什麼呢 ~Why the sky is still grey？
我還記得 你說我們要快樂 ~I still remember You said we gotta be happy
深夜裡的腳步聲 總是刺耳 ~Sounds of footsteps in midnight are always irritating
害怕寂寞 ~Fear of loneliness
就讓狂歡的城市陪我關燈 ~Just let the revelry of the city accompany me to off the light
只是哪怕周圍再多人 ~I just fear that though there are a lot of people surround me
感覺還是一個人 ~Yet still feel alone
每當我笑了 ~ Every time I laugh
心卻狠狠的哭著 ~ My heart is crying deeply

給我一個理由忘記 ~Give me a reason to forget
那麼愛我的你 ~You are the one who loved me so much
給我一個理由放棄 ~Give me a reason to give up
當時做的決定 ~ the decision that I made that moment
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清 ~ for some love that I intend to withdraw,
but it's getting more vivid
而最痛的距離 ~ the distance that most suffer for me
是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡 ~is You are not by my side, but in my heart

當我走在去過的每個地方 ~Every time I walk by those places we went before
總會聽到你那最自由的笑 ~I could hear your most free laughing
當我回到一個人住的地方 ~When I went back to the place I stay alone
最怕看到冬天你最愛穿的那件外套 ~I scared to look at the coat that you like to wear in the winter

**I tried to link this song to my blog several time,
But still failed.
So, I paste the link here, then you can go and listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5FlN-NBGo8

I have such a deep feeling towards this song.
This song is one of the favorite song of my best friend.
I never wanna listen it throughly
or even clearly,
cause I know this song would definitely
make me deep into my emotions.

Today,
finally,
I listen to it entirely,
and feels that it just reflects
my miss towards her.

I got a lot running in my mind.
I couldn't voice out all within this short time.
I gotta rest soon.
I'll tried to do it tomorrow night.

The Eagle~

An eagle usually flies it own...
That is what I know when I know what is eagle.

When a little eagle grown with enough abilities
to live on its own,
The eagle mother would chase the little eagle
out of the nest
and want it to learn flying,
and then hunt for it own food.

Eagles
fly higher than other ordinary birds.
Having a more diverse perspective
than other birds.
They never afraid of loneliness
only think of where they can fly to
what limit they can reach.

I see an eagle
from young when it needs so much care from its mother
and slowly equipped by the mother
with those life-needing skills,
to the day its wings are fully developed
It was being chased out by its mother
to accept all kind of challenges from the outside world.
ALL BY ITSELF.

In its mind
It got nothing to think about,
just where to go
where can it fly to feel safe.
The eagle is flying high
seeing lots of things that different of the others.
It has a sharp eyesight,
make it easier to hunt for its prey
as to survive in this cruel world.

The eagle never worries on
whatever hardship it is facing.
Thunder, storms, shooting from those human...

However,
this time it met a huge trouble.
One day,
when the eagle was flying high on the sky,
the sky suddenly turn dark
and a sharp lightning was strike on the eagle.
It is in a deep injury now.

The eagle is resting now in a cave
which can shield it from those disaster.
It was a terrible experience for the eagle,
the proud creature of the GOD
never think it would have such unforgettable experience.
This would definitely made it turn into
a humble eagle,
which has lost its own identity
that always proud to be part of the blue sky.

It takes time to heal.
I believe soon it could get back to its lovely sky
the sky that always belongs to the eagle.

What's wrong?

Last night,
should be this morning,
I slept by 4...

I just realized that my health condition is deteriorating....
I could not sleep too "early"
I must sleep before those time.
I think my liver is protesting now.
Few years time
I realized that my liver is not that strong
I cut off those oily food,
those deep-fried food,
spicy food,
but sometimes little alcohol...
When I was in US,
little wine would keep me warm.
& I rarely sleep too "early in the morning"

Last night
I was chat with my friend until forgot the time.
The time I realized was already very late,
I felt not well as my body was totally out of strength
and feel hot.
I think that time my liver was protesting
><

I woke up in the afternoon
awake for only 2 hours
then sleep again...
Feel like pig > <

Then sleep for 6 hours
I had a long long dream
So real till I couldn't get out from that
Until mom came and wake me up
Sorry mom, make you worry.

Going to sleep earlier today
I want to be healthy!
haha~

？？？？

Can I escape from this?
I am super negative now...
I do not feel like facing it now,
bring me to the wonderland, please...

What is running in my mind now?
It's just a mess
I can't think of how to untie all the knots
I wanna fly!
To a place that I could seek peace
peace in my mind
away from all these
and also the cruel reality that I need to face.

You might wondering now
why am I suddenly turn into this dark side of me?
I can tell you is,
I am still in my journey to seek for the answer.
Something is triggering me to face back
the deep grieve of me.
Frankly say
I was reluctant to go back
I am now fear of suffer
the suffer is just vivid
and out of my control.
I am not only suffer psychologically or emotionally
I still suffer physically.
when I got into a deep grief
I am not just crying
dropping my tears;
indeed, I would have a heart pain,
difficulty in breathing,
whole body shivering and strength-less
eyesight deteriorating.
Every time I have such thing,
I need few hours the least to recover.

Friend,
you tell me not to think too much
try to control it.
You call me to shift my attention on other subject
remind me to think of something positive.
I do really listen it all
But....
I agree to you when comes to the condition
I need to be in the reality
means my daily life, study or even normal social life.
I do,
as what you said.
However, today I found out that
I was wrong.
From some people who have certain amount
of knowledge in psychology that I know,
I realized that I need to grieve totally,
understand it
and accept it when I finish grieving,
Then I can only recover fully.

Do I really need to follow?
It's a tough process and
I really afraid to find you all every time I need you.
S,
I told you
I am so vulnerable to everything
Coz I am so open to anyone.
Right?
Actually,
it took lots of my courage
to initiate the first step.
I couldn't imagine how brave of me to face this
but it definitely trains me to become more brave
and more vulnerable...

perhaps
I do need a total grief.
I can't just put it aside
and say: "I'm fine!"
I gotta let myself grieve enough
before I could proceed to the next stage.
As I hear from somebody
I might need at least 1 year
more or less is just depend on my own progression.
I almost got fainted when I heard this.

3 months!
It's 3 months now!
I grieve on and off within this 3 months,
it has already drive me crazy...
but when I know that I just gone through a quarter of it
I was like "huh?"

Talk about my exam.
I think still fine,
at least I put in all efforts that I could
to my own extend.
When I focus on my study,
I would further away from that grieving me.
I really wish I would never go to that me,
and stay in this me will let me happier.
However,
I know this is not the best way...

Ohya,
next time when you see me not in condition,
or you see me in the condition that I mentioned above,
Can give me a hug?
I think I need some physical support
to calm my body down.
It would work faster than just sit beside me.
I tried before.
I only want it when I need it,
if no, please not.
So sad, here is Malaysia.
So much of regulation need to follow...
*I am like a desperate hug seeker now :p*

What shall I do now?
My brain is not functioning now.
Even this piece of work is like the puzzle
A jumbled up puzzle.
I really do not know how to arrange
or fix it now
so just vomit all out.

Still,
not forget to thanks
few people that really help me
guide me
or even by my side today.
Thanks to her, her, her
and him, him , him and him...

LOL XD

The Inner self.

I do not know how to describe what I went through today...
Now, I just feel tired.
After this, I will just go to bed.

Woke up early in the morning yet late for the class.
Caught in the traffic for 1 hour,
really drive me crazy,
some more I had headache during my exam time. >~<

I am the last who left the exam,
still I have 1 question totally blank as
I could not remember the formula at all.
I cannot regret now as I din't put enough effort on that.
Work harder next time.

After lunch planned to study with 2 friends.
However, I was coincidently brought by a friend
to a group therapy session.
She claimed that is kind of counselling workshop
I thought it is a class that I can learn some techniques.
So, I just followed to that workshop.

When I got in,
after listened to a slight briefing
I only realized that was a therapy session.
The therapist first played some music
giving out some words in soft voice
in order to calm us down.
Before the process,
the other seven of us
were ordered to close our eyes,
relax our body.

The therapist was using words and music
to bring us to the world that we want to go,
most of them were going into their world of imagination
or even the world they dream for,
only me is different.
For me, she brought me into a trance.
For your information, trance means
I've entered a stage of hypnosis
dealing with my subconscious mind.

It was a terrible experience for me indeed.
I know it was a trance
because last time I practice yoga before.
Yoga usually need meditation
and the practitioner will get into trance
if they followed the guru each step probably...
Indeed, I do not afraid to get into that stage,
but today's was just terrified me.

I got into it once she call me to imagine,
imagine I reach a place I dream for...
Do you know where I reach?
When I go in,
I just wish I can withdraw from it,
I opened my eyes few times,
on and off
because
I really no guts to enter.

I reach a dark jungle.
I saw nothing but only trees.
It was so dark, so cold.
I was very scared, till I had goosebumps.
When I just reach the place,
I really wish I could go out,
and never return again.
That's why I tend to withdraw myself.
I used about 1 minute to persuade myself
I gotta face it
I gotta find out what's inside it,
so, I took out more courage to get in again.

The therapist bringing me back into it again
asked me what do I saw.
Soon later, I saw a bird flying across.
A rabbit was came to approach me,
hinting me to follow it.
It ran so fast
and i was keep followed behind.
Eventually
I the rabbit brought me to a land with sunlight
I saw that place is so nice and bright,
no more darkness.
The land was full of flowers,
the rabbit was disappeared once we reached that place.
I saw a pair of butterflies
flying in a circular motion
like how a couple is dancing.
This is really attracting me
My eyes just cannot stop seeing them.
They looked so nice.
I've forgot all my fear.
The sun was setting.
I watch a nice twilight.
The sky turned dark,
I saw plenty of stars and a moon on the sky
when it turned darker.

At this point
I began to feel the darkness again.
I was looking around,
I had no sense where to go...
Then ends of the trance.
The therapists bring us out from it.
We were given crayons
and a piece of paper
to draw out anything that we want.

I drew the butterflies,
the sun,
day n night sky,
those stars and the moon
and also a bird.

This session was actually a session to explore our own self.
We we required to interpret our own drawing,
and think of ten key words that appeared in our mind.
After that,
we gotta share this among the group.
I was so nervous
and no courage to share all this.
I worried if I loss control on my emotions.
Luckily, nothing happened.

here I share my drawing with you all...

Good mood!

I just stay home the whole day
like usual day without classes
but today I just extremely feel good.

I did everything today in my own pace
doing my revision,
newspaper cutting,
watching tv,
online fb-ing,
trimming my fringe,
did a bit tidying...

Everything just based on my own pace
no rush.
Don't know why, I did everything slowly
never look on the clock
and
the result is just feel good!
^^

Tomorrow got another paper
I have not well prepared for it yet
I'll try to do it after this.

Ohya!
Something interesting happened today.
I gave mom some chinese quotes to read on.
Suddenly, she read out loud some words!
"No one is worth for you to cry for him/her,
& the only one who worth you to cry for
will never let you cry"
Mom was trying to aware me not to simply cry anyone,
however,
I answered
"You're right! Your daughter won't want you to cry for her."
Once I finished those words,
her tears was dripping.
I feel bad out of that
but I want to face it together with her
and I wish I can walk together with her
I want her to realize something important with me.

& I know
I am selfish
She has not prepare for it yet.
Maybe give her more time...

Eventually
I posted those conversation on my facebook wall.
I really get shock when one of my friend
who i did not tell her about this before
saying something to console me
and advise me.
I really appreciate that,
But I am still wondering how she know about the news?
From whose mouth?
If she does,
I guess almost all people that know me in that college
might be knowing this as well...
It's ok
it wouldn't hurt even if people know.
They will help me walk out of it
better than I walk alone.

This is the quote that my mom wants me to understand:
“妈妈说过 没有人值得你为他哭， 唯一值得你为他哭的人 永远都不会让你为他哭。”

Satisfaction~

I could finally realized what is the real satisfaction by today.
I made it!
I mean,
I'd try my best in my exams,
2 exams held today.

Before this I really couldn't concentrate at all on what I am studying,
I can only listen to what the lecturer told me
or my friends told me.
I could hardly read the words and keep them in my mind.
It seems like I am giving excuses to myself
but it's true!

I spend 10 times more than other to get a single little thing into my mind.
However, I really tried it,
very hard.
Though I could not answer 100% of my papers
but I still feel proud that
I really put efforts on that!
I'd tried my very best on it.
So, no matter what result I get,
I'll still feel happy.

3 more papers coming.
I will try my best too.
I will do well in those papers too.

today extremely tired.
gotta rest early.
Tomorrow wake up early to study...

Friends, all da best!

Rebirth~

Tomorrow, I will have two mid-term exams
If somebody ask me how is my preparation
I'll just answer
only 40%
Though I've gone through what should I cover...

Two person that I am respecting
call me to do my best
up to my limit.
& one of them call me
to exceed my limit if I can.
Two of them give me well balancing
on who should I be.
One touches the emotional me
guiding me to understand my real emotion
to face the real self of me;
& another one guide me to face the reality
step by step
walking out of my trauma
and back to the wonderful life
which is belongs to me.

Both of them treat me well
teach me well too.
I feel bad now
because i still couldn't
shift my 100% concentration back on my study.
I'll still try my best on the exams.
But, I would not be achieve the excellent result
like last time I did.
I am persuading myself to focus now.
I can achieve good result right?
I can right?

About the title of this blog-Rebirth
I watched a drama
about a person who did something wrongly
is given a chance to change
instead of running away from the punishment.
But, when the person is having the jail punishment
when that person comes out to the society
Will the society accept the person?
The person could only get discrimination...
Will they get a chance to have a new life?
Sometimes,
it's not the matter whether
the person would accept the punishment or not
It's matter when the person
willing to face the consequences of the guilt
but yet, in return
they are not given a chance to have a new life.
Is it fair?

I'm blessed.
I'm rebirth from my sorrow.
& that's the reason
now I am learning from the beginning.
From what I do not know,
what I could not do well
little by little
I'll be another
SELF~

More than just FRIEND~

Please do not have any blind guessing!!!!
This blog post is for my three best friends~
They are now more than a best friend for me,
I just don't know how to describe this relationship.
For me, they are like important person in my life now,
friend cum siblings?!?
Perhaps...

I still cannot publish their names over here,
though I wish I can proudly say out their names over here,
but I think I should give them enough privacy...
So, please do not mind I say something on you here
as, only you will know about this,
Nobody does.

A,
you've accompany me throughout the years.
We grown up together, we learn together,
we share our joy and sorrow together.
It's my pleasure to know such a wonderful person,
a person who is always excel in her study
who always advice me not to think on something that out of my control...
I never think I can have you as my number 1 best friend
since the time I know you.
That time, you are shine like a star
I could hardly approach you.
Now, you always accompany me when I need
talk to me every night, updating each other...
Telling me that I gotta be strong,
but, when I am weak,
I can always find you.
Thanks!

B,
compared to A & C,
the period knowing you is not that long.
However, you really break my view on
What is real friend...
although I am still wondering
why every time I got problems,
I'll think of you as the first person
who can help me to solve those problems
that I am facing.
When I think back,
I feel like so sorry to trouble you
but, I just cannot get out of it.
Keep on giving you troubles but still not changing...
Sorry for being have doubts on you
I am now changing my doubts on you into faiths.
I shall never have doubts on you again.
& I will try not to trouble you when I am facing any difficulty
that I can solve it by myself.
Now, if I really do so,
will I lost you as my friend?
If 1 day in the future,
I am able to refrain from finding you
whenever I need help,
or facing any problem;
Will the coming day makes our relationship fade?
This is actually my dilemma in handling this friendship.
Can we start something normal like other casual friends?
Coz I do not afford to lose a friend like you...

C,
I never wonder u could get into my top 3 list!
Hahaha~
Among the three,
you are the one who share more joy than sorrow with me.
With your presence,
I feel so comfort.
At least,
when we are outing,
I feel that you are always giving me the priority
in everything.
You do always ask me questions
no matter I can answer or not.
I feel great when you are willing to share your story with me
and glad to share you mine.
You are forever my machi!
^^

So blessed to have you all!
Sorry if I've done wrong or think something negative.
Thanks for being by my side when I need you.

Precipitation~

No doubt, I admit that few previous post
I just simply do it
without really think of it...

I do need some precipitation before all this
in order to organize what is going on in my mind.
coz my mind is so messy now.

for the issue of friends
I suffer for a week long.
I just able to let go totally last night.
The feeling of letting go just fabulous.
I am wondering,
along the journey,
Why am I holding so strong on something that I need to let go?
I should have open my hands and set it free.
Then my hands can only hold those real happiness that belongs to me.
Am I right?

I think
I shall calming down, precipitate every night
to think back what I've done
What I've done right,
What I've done wrong,
and What I should do to correct the mistakes I made...
The best way is,
I write down all of my thoughts
in this blog.
AM I RIGHT?

I feel great now when I have no doubts,
but only faiths on my self
and even people around me.
I can make it!
and I gotta believe that they can make it too!

Feel kind of relieve now.

No Doubts Anymore!

This is for two days all together.
March 4 & 5.

I Shall have written this earlier
but
I was lazy
and tired
coz I was celebrating a close friend's
birthday by counting down to her birthday
When I reach home
I really exhausted
and just want to rest

No doubt, I had a great day!
I gained a lot!

I gain my friend's trust!
I gain some precious advices!
I gain feeling of happy truly from my heart!

^^

I have lots of doubts few days passed
I did not feel like clarify them at all
However,
the person whom I respect
told me to eliminate those doubts
and to have faith on my self
have faiths on my friends
and people around me
Believe everything is fine.

Yes
He is right!
I should always believe that
I can make it!
Why I want to think so much?
Just do it!
Without any regrets in the future.

I want to score well in my exams
I want to help those who are in needs,
and before that,
I must be well to perform all this.
I will be great soon.
I will do it soon.

Thanks sir!

Lost!

What am I doing now?
What am I supposed to do?
Tomorrow I gotta due an assignment
but I am still like that
yet do not have the motivation to do at all!!!

I really disappointed on my self
I do not want to fail my friends
I do not intend to make my group members any trouble
but, I am still doing nothing now...

Help me!
Help myself!
U can do it, Louise!
Where are u, my heart?
Come back!
Please!

At least gotta finish this before fly off...
Don't think of other unnecessary things now.
It won't be any changes
if u just think like this.
Louise
wake up
WAKE UP for your responsibility now


Forget about those negative thoughts!
Come on!

Some things I wanna clarify...

I would not put anybody's name here
because I wanna give each of them enough privacy.
I hope u all understand...

The gift!

I woke up earlier though no morning class today
to attend an interview session
for a part time job
as a art teacher in kindergarten
with 3 of my good friends

It's definitely an interesting job
which help the kids to boost their creativity
rather than just teach them normal drawing skills

After that went to college earlier
much more early than my group discussion time
to meet up my lecturer
just to have a conversation
which make me feel comfort
after each session
However, he was not there.

The most touching part is,
another lecturer of mine
who is always concerning me
approached me and had few words with me.
She was having another meeting
and apologized to me as she could not talk to me.
Indeed, I just intent to drop by
and get the book that
she called me to get it
few days ago.
I thought I am just borrowing the book,
but she gave it to me.
I was touched,
deeply touch.
Not because it's a gift for me
it's because
she is busy with all her jobs
and yet find me a book,
keep an eye on my progress
and also think of all the alternatives
which could help me.

This is one of the precious gift I have received
during this tough period.
I will appreciate it
and I will open the gift
once I am done with my assignments.

Due to some other reasons,
the meeting between the lecturer
whom I intend to meet
is postponed.

I did not drive to school today,
and I purposely arrange
to get ride on a friend's car home.
I see him suffering
I am sad seeing him suffer like this.
I want to talk to him long long time ago,
I want him to realize that
in this world,
nobody is except from suffer.
I just want him to know
he could make a difference if he initiate his first step
to stop thinking on his fault
and then do something to change the situation.
I really hope he would not put all faults on himself
like what I'd done previously
It's not worth it
to make yourself suffer
but the wrong situation just continue going.
It's forever haunting you...

That's why
I always tell those I am trusted
about all the mistakes that I have done,
or even my sorrow,
to give me some guideline
to overcome it.
Even they could not provide me some advice
I'll feel relieve once I talk to them.
I do not know whether he got such practice or not
but when somethings happened
I hope he can share with me
even though I might not able to help him
Maybe after he tells me
he might relieve as what I experienced? ^^

After that
I was home for dinner.
Yesterday I was having serious gastric ache for whole day
today, I have it back by little.
Mom was worry and scolded me for not being eat on time.
I did.
I eat on time almost everyday
I do not think I miss any day...
I think my gastric is protesting against me...

After dinner
went to the office I went interview this morning
for a job training.
It was fun.
^^

The Universal Law that Undeniable.

Do you know what I am talking about?
It's the LAW OF ATTRACTION!!!

Previously I do really have doubt on it
HOW COULD it works?
HOW COULD we get what we desired of by just thinking of it?
Those were part of my doubt.

& now
I can say out loud that
IT WORKS!!!!
By just focus on that
focus on what u want
and you will get it on your hand
It's a miracle for me!

Due to the reason I can see the way it works,
I am worry if i have negative thoughts!
When a week ago
I realized that my mind
was unconsciously giving up everything
I know this definitely not a good thing for me.
I seek for help from few trusted person
& one of them told me to shift my attention
from worrying my negative subconscious mind
to something positive
Then, the thoughts will diminish soon.

It's work!
I am out of it now!

Something more advance happened after that!
I feel like going out from my comfort zone,
going out to work
instead of staying home everyday.
SO, I keep on thinking
I want a job,
I want a flexible job,
I want to work when I have no class,
I want to get out of my home!

I just have such thought for few days
about 4 days
Then, you know what happened?
Each of the day I got some job offer
from friends around me.
It's just like a miracle for me to believe.
Tomorrow I'll go interview for my part-time job.
I'll definitely got the job!

Now I gotta think what I really want.
Focus fully on what I want to get.
Because my LOA works!
I am greedy,
I want a lot...

I want to get distinction in this sem's result!
I want to be more happy!
I want to change my attitude!
I want to say thanks to everyone around me!

Thank you!!!!!
Thank you world!!!!