Wonderful December!~

The month of December in each year, is the month that I am always looking forward to. This year, I am having a great one! I learned a lot throughout the year, and I reap the fruit on my efforts since the beginning of the year.

Dec 1: I had my Final Year Project presentation on my Finance major.

Dec 8: my 24th birthday, exams and the memorable day for my beloved sister.

Dec 9: exams then rushed into a youth camp as a volunteer

Dec 9-11: volunteering in a youth camp

Dec 13: last paper of the year

Dec 15: start doing deco stuffs in college for Starry night

Dec 16: rehearsal for performance on Starry Night

Dec 17: last practice for performance and preparation for deco

Dec 18: Starry event which I need to engage for the whole day

Dec 19: proper rest in the day and home party at Michelle's crib

Dec 20: neighbor's Christmas open house

Dec 21: shopping with brothers and sisters

Dec 22: celebrate winter solstice with family

Dec 23: party with dance crew and the youth camp volunteer

Dec 24: hangout and countdown with my closest friends

Dec 25: precious time with dearest family.

Happy Birthday, Louise

What am I doing now?
I have no idea on this.
&
I do not even know how I feel,
just feel numb and aimless.

The day getting closer,
I still do not know whether I can handle the day or not.

The first anniversary she left the world,
which collide with my 24th birthday.
What a big irony?

People tells me to let go,
and cherish for my present.
Do you think I can celebrate my birthday
on my sister's death anniversary?
It's not that I am stubborn to let go,
but the only thing that I can do for her is
to remember every single moment of her
which are belongs to her.

Frankly say,
I would not want to freak my friends by telling them
about the day,
but I really hope no birthday celebration on the day it self.
Really hope.
If not,
my tears will be overflow...

Thanks for allowing me to be alive.
Thanks for giving me the chance to see the world properly
    through this 24 years.
Thanks for letting me taste the sorrow,
    which then makes my joy means more.
Thanks to my mum and dad.


Happy Birthday, Louise.
Look forward and keep those sweet memories
    deep, deep in your heart.
Cherish for what you have, and what you used to have.

the threat

I found out something important
which I always missed all the time.

I do not have a proper place to depend on spiritually.

I see people around me
is having
their own religions, idols and own faith,
but I have only my faith with me.

Suddenly I realized that living without spiritual support
is very pity.
I just do not understand that
I have no religion.
Not that I do not want to believe,
but I just can't get along with any, up to this stage of life.
I do not have idols,
maybe I have but not that passionate as others.

Everything for me here is just like anything I can let go easily.
I am afraid that once in the future,
I might get lost or totally gone
when I got a huge strike.

Maybe I'll be better to become a person
who stay far from the mankind
with my own style of living...

Why am I so weird?

king card#

When will you see this card?
Is it every critical time?
The answer is yes!

I was always wondering,
when can I be the most important person.
I never know this can happened on me.

Yes, I am experiencing it now.
And my feeling is
being the person is having a load of responsibilities
on the shoulders.
The responsibilities made me suffocated,
though I have enough competencies to handle.

Is that good or bad?
May god bless me
because only HIM knows I really work hard.

Thanks for giving me strong body
and strong mind to endure this.
Thanks for giving me great family
to support me.
Thanks for giving me good friends
to be by my side.

Gracier

P?

How sad for a singer to lost his voice?
How sad for a choreographer to lost his/her four limbs?
How sad for an artist to lost his/her vision?
How sad for a chef to lost his/her taste bud?

HOW SAD FOR A SAGITTARIUS TO LOST HIS/HER PASSION?

I finally feel it.
It's a deep suffer.
I live like a zombie,
without any objectives.

This is not what I want.
Can I go out from the condition?
Who can help me to find my passion back?

I need it desperately.

I will get it soon right?

Sorry friends for being bear with this zombie.
Thank you for being by my side.

I just wanna to be heard

Long time not talking to mum
I feel great after doing so just now
Though I am tired for a day long

I am working very hard
On everything I commit on
And worries never stop buzzing me
I know I always give my best shot on those things I involve in
But
I couldn't deny that I do have come across plenty of upset, anger, disappointment, loss and helplessness

I work very hard
And I hope people could see it
Not giving me anything
Only support will do

Fine
I am fine now
After voice out my feeling
Thanks for letting me doing so

I feel more energized to proceed now

Thanks mum!

First time

This is the first time
I feel tired
until sick.

Oh gosh!
The fatigue on body n mind
is making me sick.
Hope my soul can have enough spiritual strength to resist this,
aches all over my body.

@@

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today
I found out that I really dunno what I am doing.
I am like a crazy person
who like to be alone
like to let people know I am good
the one who gives the whole heart
for those who deserve
who take for granted on those who care for me.

What I shall do?

Fear is conquering me.
My EQ drops till 0 age.

I am just bringing troubles to people round me
TT

I really dunno what I am doing now...

What is this???
This is what I want?
I am lost ><

Cool down
It's normal. Come on.
Cool down
You will make it.
Trust me.
You can make it.
Can you see?
You are making it!
Am I right? ^^

Yeah
Take in a deep breath.
Exhale it slowly back to the air
Inhale......
And
Exhale...........

Feeling better now right?
:)

I am doing fine.

This has become a quote of mine,
everytime I feel I really gone through some hardships.
It's normal.
Keep on telling myself
That it is normal and everyone would go through.
I think this is the best I can do for myself.

I met her, talk to her this morning.
I was telling her I am fine,
And she knows it.
True.
Life's going on.
I gotta let go something that
truly belongs to my memory
And welcome some other things that belongs to my future.

I shall grab my present tight.
Stop looking back, mourning for the past, and begin my footstep.
To catch up those left me far apart behind.

Thanks to u, obstacles!
U r just making me stronger.
:)

Wisdom?

I came across a quote
which I think it is meaningful

"wisdom comes from previous experience and reflection"

Reflection
is the way to make us wiser.
I could not deny this statement.

Every time I did something wrong,
I need a time to ponder
and to reflect
To prepare my self to coming journey.

After years and times,
underwent all kind of difficulties,
challenges and obstacles,
My mind appears a question.
Do I really gain my wisdom after all?

I am. I shall answer like this.
& I am doing better from time to time.

Do I really need to care everyone's emotion and view?
Last time, I did.
But now, I won't.
I am wise enough to analyze what and who does for me.

Thanks for giving me opportunities to learn,
and giving me chances to be a better me.

I lost my temper!

I just forgot how to control my temper,
I could control my emotions and stay calm when something happened today.

I am sorry.
I think I am a bit ego in this case.

I do not want to give any excuse
To protect myself
But I really under a great stress which I really lost control on my self.

I am sorry
That's all I can say.

October birthday celebrations

Porto Romano at Mont Kiara#
Nice and romantic Italian restaurant!
The most unforgettable part is that
They serve the dessert in a unique way which coordinate with our celebration.
I like this so much.

My weekend!

I planned my weekend
But I think I failed in planning.

I gotta do my revision on coming Monday's midterm
I gotta celebrate with my dears for the month's valentine
I gotta go for a launching ceremony for an event I commit in
I gotta have a detailed meeting with my group
I gotta celebrate the October birthdays with my gang
& last but not least
To rest.

I almost get everything in my plan accomplish,
But I only get one of it done about 10%
which I think is the most important one,
My exam preparation!

I m worry as my weekend is ending now.
><

Anyway,
Thanks for all
Who gave me the wonderful weekend.

Merci~

The Third hundred days

I never wonder I am still survive
In this 300 days
It's never easy
But it's still acceptable.

I am having lots of commitment right now
Till I could hardly go into the state
Which I can feel the pain.
I was once thinking that this would be the best for me,
At this stage.
However, I realize that
I am walking into a slow suicidal.
So terrified!

I miss her,
But not pain as before.
Tears still accompany throughout
my private and personal time.
I am now appreciate all the feeling
which makes me feel uncomfortable,
I understand that I have only this period of time to get into such emotions.

I am working hard &
I am doing well.
This is my all time favorite quote
to drive me to a further journey.

I appreciate true friends and good mentors by my side
who support me,
And encourage me
To continue with my journey.

Gracias
Is all I can say.
Thanks for walking with me
and touching my heart.

Thank u!

Joy

Time flies~
I never think that I have go through so much in my life.

24.
I almost go through 24 years in my life.
Joy, sorrow, anger, disappointment, lost...
Every emotions are so vivid
and clear in my mind.

Today
I just couldn't resist the joy.
I found back my previous friend,
whom I lost contact for a full 7 years.

It's so cool I can talk to him through facebook
Wish I can catch back what we lost in this seven years.

First time feel blessed to have facebook.

LOL

New Life is Just Began~

Yea.
I mean today.
SO SO tired posting out this
but yet,
I feel I got to finish this
to cherish myself
who start to find back
some value of life.

I had a full schedule
which is began from this month.
Sometimes, I would miss those days
which I can really relax and do according to my interest.

Today,
after my class,
went to do some researches
Then
Went for a movie with a previous student,
which I really reluctant to go initially
because
for me, watching movie is just a waste of time.
No choice,
I promised him long time ago.

After that,
rest awhile and went to work for two hours.
After working,
rushed to college for a dance performance practice

Then now
resting,
surfing the net,
uploading the vids
and updating my blog
(this is the most important one)

Mum just said that
You can never finish your jobs on hands,
because
when you finish this,
other things will come.
It's common.
You got to do is
to manage your time
to make your job flow smoothly.

She inspired me
but also upset me,
I thought I can finish my job one day later.

:)

Anyway,
Thanks!

Fear and Tears

How long have you been live without fear?
Even tears?

If there was no any surprise in my recent life,
I guess my answer would be,
about ten years.

I was a pretty tough person,
who I think nothing should be fear on,
and nothing happens can gain my tears.
I'd forgotten what is the feeling when I drop my tears.

I was wrong when I deal with the loss lately.
I am not as tough as I think
I am not the one who can live without tears
I am not the one has no fears.
I am just a normal person,
& I deserve to drop my tears when I feel to.

I have the rights!

Please allow me to drop my tears in front of you,

when I feel weak.

I have been strong enough for long long time. 

Thanks~

I can feel it!

Guess what?
I can feel it's back!
Don't be panic,
this is a good thing,
just that I am not ready for it.

I am feeling it's back.
That me,
I mean the previous self.
I can strongly feel the aura
I wish I could doubt it,
but I couldn't.

I am really back,
No matter how I want to deny it.
I am not ready for that yet.
TT

What should I do?
Just follow it?
I am worry.
can I cope it?
The previous me was too strong,
until the extend
I became deaf and
couldn't hear the voices
from my heart and body.

I know this is definitely my destiny,
I need to face it,
and work along with it.

Maybe I shall not think that much.

Sorry on my blunt language,
I've forgotten the way to express my self,
after hide in the cocoon for so long.
& I believe,
I am transforming,
and getting ready to the next stage of my life,
like the butterfly~

## thanks for being bear with me##
 

What A wonderful night~

What a wonderful night!

What is the image appears in your mind when you hear such words?
A real wonderful night?
or
A sarcastic sentence?

Last Tuesday,
I did have a wonderful night.
(Friends who were with me, and who are able to access to this,
they might think I am being sarcastic here. But, I am not. Listen to me first.)

That evening,
12 of us went to Puchong to celebrate for a friend's 21st birthday.
We departed from the college by 4 cars.
Eventually,
when we were reaching the destination,
one of the car was being crashed by another car from behind.
Fortunately, nobody was injured
and there is only some minor damages on the car boot.

Due to the reason that the car owner is young and lack of such experience,
some of us were stood in the middle of the road
and talk to the driver from the other car.

It was a terrible experience.
It was a totally dangerous act to be like that.
All the cars were none stop passing by,
and the motorcycles passed through the traffic in a moderate speed.

They'd got the plat number, driver's name and ID,
but still staying at the spot.
We will never know what will happen in the middle of the road.
Robbery, another car accident, or .....
However, it dragged us almost an hour
yet, the case not settle.

I could not bear the risk and called all to get into the cars,
then move the cars.
It would be a wise option to leave the place as soon as possible,
then go to report the case in the nearest police station within 24 hours.


After that, we, in the car which is being crashed,
separate from the other, who were going for the dinner,
went to report for the case.

This dragged us the whole night,
and it was being done by the mid of the night.
I have no special feeling till the moment
when we were done,
the other friends reached the place we were,
and brought us some food,
giving the emotional support to the owner of the car.
This touches my heart deeply.

After all, I just want to jot down this night on here.
LOL~
Feel blessed we all fine.
Thank you, friends.

Reflection~

Where can we see our reflections?
Obviously
the mirror!


Previously,
I like to see my own reflection through the mirror
and
I also like to do reflection on what I did
and what had I learned
for the whole day
That was, the previous me.

Now,
I rarely look through the mirror.
I do not like to do so.
I always see the ugly me in the mirror
whenever I see into the mirror.
Eyes with no sparks,
face with no smile...

I dare not to do reflection at night as well
I scared if I do,
I would not be able to control my tears,
then there would be another sleepless night.

Besides,
I also cannot understand why
my body always feel tired.
The tiredness is really unbearable
until I do not want to do anything
but laying on the bed
day dreaming, reading, or sleeping.

Sigh...

"Resting is to prepare us for a further journey."
I bet I'd rest enough
though I still feel tired.

How?

Tell me that I CAN!
I wish I really can.
Lots of dreams to be accomplish,
Lots of promises to be fulfill,
Lots of nice places to be visit,
Lots of nice people on earth to be meet.

blessed~

self-worth~

I really clueless on this..... 
frankly say,
when you ask me where I find this,
I will just answer you 
"people around me" 
This is definitely so not me! 
Yet I can't do anything against it. 
I could not feel my worth.... 
Anywhere; Anytime. 


I was once always live with clear aims, 
now no more. 
I wish I could back to those old days
not the memories, 
but to be that ego self 
who know clear about the worth of the self. 

I am lost yet feel in deep horror. 
I dare not to face any changes in the real life 
keeping my self in the wonderful dreaming land. 
 I know I shall now open up my eyes 
and step into the real world. 
My body just could not work according to my thinking. 

I am failing. 
First time in my life I admit that I am a loser. 
a person who dare not to face the challenges. 


 What shall I do? 
 Giving myself more time? 
 Time flies. 


Is this condition happens due to the loss? 
I wish it is, 
and it is only the transitional state. 
How long will this persist? 
Shall I fight or live along with this? 
Lots of unanswered questions are waiting for me. 
My mind is junking up with plenty of questions 
and things to be done. 
Wish I can live with all these peacefully. 


I won't be mad right? 

  BLESSED.~

Just some pieces from my junk mind~

First of all,
This will be certainly like what is being mentioned in the title.
No special arrangement,
no editing,
no any decoration on the words,
JUST purely dig out from the rusting mind.

What is the aim of your life?
What do you want in your life?
What is your motive to live?
These few questions are haunting me recently.

Frankly say,
I am lost.
If this situation accidentally seen
by myself one year ago,
That self would definitely laugh me
until I would dig myself a hole to hide inside.

I was always the EGO person,
and knowing what I want in my life well.
I never wonder I would be defeat
by this.
NEVER.

I am lost.
Figuring ways to go out from the dark cloud.
Can I?

She is influencing me in some ways,
her philosophy.
She would never want to give up,
even though the success rate only up to 0.1%,
she will still persist.
She did not mind to be the clown of the crowd.
For her,
she would be happy if she can bring the cheers to people around her.
She is a SUN for us.

I miss her.
I hope I can pass her message around
to everyone.
To live happily.
To enjoy every single thing that is being owned.

Still thinking,
What I really want.

Emotions~

What word would you like to describe you emotions?
If I have to answer this question
I'll pick the word
"WEATHER"

No doubt,
my emotions now are like the dramatic weather recently.
It can be very hot in the afternoon,
and soon,
it would turn into a very dark sky
with its heavy rain pour.
It could be chilling windy but sunny,
it could also be cloudy.

I
used to control my emotions well,
always let it in the sunny mode,
which people around me like this mode so much.
Even sometimes I need to face heavy downpour
the weather would soon turn into sunny again.
However,
I'm no longer the sunny girl anymore,
after the disaster.
We could hardly see the sunny mode on me,
and I am always in cloudy mode.

I realized this since half year ago.
I want to have a change
I do not want to give any more excuses,
I want to find back the long missed me.

I believe when I push away the dark cloud,
I can see back my lovely sun.

I miss you, SUN!

I am on the way here now.
Wait for me.

today~

I went back from Port Dickson 2 days ago.
This morning I can still feel the tiredness lie within my body.
Before I went to my class in college by 12pm,
I had a diarrhea.
My mind cant get rid of the fact that,
I brought this home from PD.
Ever since that day I reach KL,
I am suffering for that till now.
My whole stomach was like
having the big fight within it.
On that particular night,
I cant even have my dinner probably
as I was having a severe gastric ache.
All over now.
feel blessed.

Today,
I am having lots of thoughts,
and also all kind of different feelings.
I met my partner in the camp
which I joined as volunteer last weekend,
in the college.
The most surprising part is that,
he is also study in the same campus with me...

I went back home and rest well.
I have no job today,
that why I love Tuesday so much.

Night,
I heard dad receive a call.
I heard his conversation.
He told the person on the call that
his daughter, my sis has passed away.
I heard it.
Moody again.
no mood to study for my mid term now.
& I saw mom is none stop wiping her tears.
Again!
I do not like to see such atmosphere.
When can I get rid of such sadness at home?

After all,
I still feel blessed.
I got to know lots of friends last weekend.
& I got to know that I can be happy if I want to.
I know my family and friends would always be there
supporting me.

Thanks to all,
Friends.

Junks...

It has been two weeks I did not update this.
Lots to share.
Lots to think of
and
Lots to change.

I went for a fortune telling session
with my closest friend.
It was a fun one.
Really interesting.
^^

Oh.
I couldn't keep this anymore.
Few of us formed a team,
organizing an annual dinner
for our friends.
This is like a secret mission on this stage.
so, please still keep it till I reveal it.
haha....
I wanna tell you now is that
I can see there is something very solid
have been formed.
I can feel it would be a great success.
Friend,
you would support me and go for that dinner right?
^^

Another important update
is that,
I join as a volunteer
in organizing a camp year end.
I would have a very hectic life onward
but I know this life
is definitely my life,
mission of my life.
^^

Know lots of new friends through
this meaningful job.
Love them so much~
^^

Today
I suddenly awake.
I got back the feeling
I am like having back the previous self.
The one who is very ego,
who has a very clear aim,
who is very peace in mind no matter how.
I got back the long missed feeling.
So happy.

Reborn.
I do.
Thanks to all of you
my friends!
and not to forget,
My dear family.

A special day~

I am tired now
but still eager to jot down
some of my thoughts and feeling now.

I brought my little sister and brother
to iCity yesterday evening.
I had a very great time with them.
I shall have more time with them.
I was really tired and
lack of sleep
as today I gotta wake up pretty early to college.
However, I still late for my class
as I've forgotten that the class began earlier
as mentioned last week.

After class,
I realized that the interview of mine
by SEGi has been published on today's STAR newspaper.
For me, I do not have special feeling,
just feel a bit fresh as
this is the first time appear on public media like this.
I would keep it as a memory
for the future me.

If you wish to read about the interview article,
you may follow this link.
Later I'll attach an image of the newspaper article for you.

I gotta leave here earlier.
tell you more later.
chao.

Listen to your heart

Another Lazy day.
Lost the identity,
who has been a hardworking one.
Really miss that person,
the one who work hard without complaining,
whom some of the people around would think she is a robot.

I know,
I shall be grateful now,
since God grant me the time to relax.
It's time to slow down my pace,
time to relax and think
of what I really want.

Listen to your heart.
What I told my friend so.
Meanwhile my heart is yelling at me,
"please listen to me!!!"

Yup,
it's essential for me to do so
To find back the long missed me.
While relaxing,
spare some time to think what I want,
what I eager for,
what I aim for,
what kind of life I want.

I shall keep myself in a true serene
to listen the deep voice from my heart.

by the way,
I shall apologize to all friends
who I'd made you disappointed.
I'm sorry.
I make the situation badly.

I had few days with some serious thoughts.

I gotta get out from what I am now.

I need it deeply.

After few days sitting down

doing nothing,

I can only now realized that

I am too EGO to accept failure.

I am.

This EGO is bringing me more obstacles

to find back myself.

I hate it, but gotta accept it and not eliminate it,

because this is the only asset I have

to protect the little fragile heart of mine.

Fu Yee,

You cannot live without your aim of life.

That's not you!

(this is what the voice of my heart talk to me just a little moment ago)

Yes.

I admit that

I have no aim at all.

I dare not to think of anything now,

dare not to dream,

dare not to ask for anything either.

Some more,

I am giving myself a very lame excuse,

I dare not to simply ask for something

because what I think will be true,

I need to think seriously of what I really want.

But, that's what I got along the journey,

believe it or not

depends on you.

Today,

I found out that

how pity I am

without my dream.

I am not me anymore.

I was knowing myself well last time,

but not now.

I lost the real identity of me.

I know I gotta ponder on what I want in the future now.

For now,

I need to be serious,

serious in everything in my life.

Serious in enjoying my life.

To find back the innate self of mine.

Have A nice Day!

"Have a nice day!"

I like this phrase so much,

yet miss it so much.

I got a MMS of this,

this morning before heading to college.

All uncertainties on my brain just vanished,

left my plenty of nice feeling.

It has been a long time

I abandon this blog

abandon the true deep feeling of myself.

Reason?

No courage to face so much

in the reality.

Could I?

After a month of escaping,

I got a conclusion that

short term of escaping is more suffer

than facing the cruel reality directly.

So, I made a decision.

Never run

unless I really need a break.

This is what i need to do

I must be myself

Never run again.

I have lots to tell here

all happened within these 2 months.

Good or bad,

Joy or sorrow,

shocked or surprised,

gratefulness and disappointments,

......

Today,

it's a day of a start

which full of joy and also little disappointment.

Little expectations.

I got my last sem results,

still fine,

at least I know I tried my best

and it suits what I sow

and I am satisfied with the fruit.

Yet

I got a special gift

on my result.

Guess what?

I went to check out for

my result breakdown

of the subject that I just passed.

My lecturer said something I really unexpected.

hahahahahahahahahaha~

He

finds me some reason

to make me feel better.

So blessed to have him.

I do have a big conclusion

on what I went through for this blank period.

I am blessed

and always feel great

with people around me.

In more simple form,

I feel,

and can feel everyone around me

is like angel

caring for me,

and taking care of me well.

So blessed!

Every time when I encounter some problems

people around me would help me up

no matter how.

I feel so grateful

and touched.

That's the most innate feeling of me

that draw me out of the dark cloud,

which covered me sometimes unconsciously.

POSITIVE!

positive thinking is driving me for this long.

I tell myself

no matter how tough the situation

I must be positive.

This is what SHE told me,

what SHE left for me,

it's her spirit which helps me for this few months.

So

be positive!

^^

Again, a week.

I

definitely know what I am doing

and know all consequences on what I am doing.

I purposely abandon this blog for a week

and observe my own condition.

The conclusion is

I really need to come here every night

to do some reflections.

I need reflections to be a better one.

I'd learn 3 important phrases today in Social Gerontology class

Bereavement, Mourning and Grief.

I was having a very strong feeling when

the lecturer touch about the topic of death.

I thought of her,

I miss her

and feel that she has not leaving yet,

though I am consciously knowing that she is not here anymore.

I've learned something very important within this week.

The Art of REJECTING

and applied it on a situation.

I thought that when I reject a person

my instinct tells me that

my conscience and principles along my life journey

will make me feel guilt.

However,

I could finally realized that

the rejection was not really hurt me much,

meanwhile

it reduces the tension in my heart.

It's cool when you get to understand this.

Hmmm....

I went to my best friend birthday party on Saturday night.

I told you that I can hardly go out from the door
and socialized with people right?

Here is an exception,

I went there just because of my best friend.

Seriously,

I did not know I would have such feeling in return.

I enjoyed it so much!

I guess just because the whole gang

able to take care of each other so much.

so nice and unforgettable.

Looking forward to the next one~

Beside reflections,

I need to ponder deeply

about the issue of time management.

Within this week,

I come out my own philosophy that

Success people will be well control of their time,

while those who are being controlled by the time are the other way round.

I used to be a person who managed my time well

but, now I really feel like a loser

as I could not take charge of my time.

I know

the day when I can well control of my time,

I am walking out from the grieve successfully.

Anyhow,

just to inform all that

I am working very hard now

to make my life more meaningful.

Thanks for being by my side and bear with my temper.

Summary of me for few days~

I really do not feel like coming here

for few days.

I am really exhausted.

Physically and mentally.

within these 5 days,

I did struggled

and yet feel blessed.

Let's talk about Monday.

I supposed to sit still at home

and do my pilling assignment.

I failed.

No choice,

something need to be done

with my mom,

dragging whole afternoon time.

Went home, I was just too dizzy,

could not do anything,

just slept for few hours before dinner.

><

Gotta share some story happened on this day to you all.

Actually I went with my mom

going for an "ask god" session,

mom wanna know about my deceased sister.

The intermediary told that

my deceased sister was actually belongs to the heaven.

She did something wrong and she got to have her punishment here

as a human.

Now her punishment all done,

so she needs to go back to the place that she belongs to.

It's really a nice story.

Hahahaha~

But it makes me feel good. ^^

Tuesday,

I got 6 hours class.

Early in the morning,

I'd get to college

to meet up one of my lecturer

to have some of the updates.

Then in the first class break,

all of us are having nasi lemak and sandwiches

as the money spent on last event left.

I know I can't have anything spicy

but I still have it, in the hope that I'll be alright.

However, the effect was the same,

gastric again. ><

No more spicy food...

When I back home that time,

I've drained myself.

So, I just read up some journals

for the assignment that I need to due on Friday.

Wednesday,

I was permitted to enter a class

to learn back something that I was always confused.

So I went to college early though I have no class.

After that class,

I did my social gerontology's group assignment with 2 of my group mates

from 1pm to 5pm.

It was definitely a tough process

making me very tired.

After that I rushed home

to prepare to go out for dinner.

I had a gathering with my friends in US.

I was late.

But I did have a great time.

The opportunity cost for it is,

I have no time to do my assignment again.

Thursday,

last day before the assignment due.

I went home straightly after my class

intend to do my assignment.

However,

something interesting arose.

One of the tuition center I called before,

called me for an interview,

asking me when I am free to go.

After thinking for some moments,

I feel that that was the most appropriate time,

so I just go.

It's definitely an interesting interview.

I can definitely get the job,

just waiting for second interview.

I found out that it's interesting is

the interviewer not look at my qualifications,

just look on the attitude.

So now I only realized that attitude is a main concern in everything.

After that,

I was too dizzy

slept for 5 hours until one of my friend called me

and asked me whether I would go to a friend's birthday celebration.

I was stunt and that time only remember.

Actually I did not feel like going

since I did nothing on my assignment.

However I choose to go,

just because I have something to give that friend long long time ago

but I have not get the chance to pass it to him.

So, I just simply wrapped up,

to make it like a gift,

then took to the place we meet

to give him.

Now, i am actually wondering whether he would appreciate it or not.

Because it should reach him a month ago,

Now, so late till seems like expired already.

Hahaahaha....

At last, when I reach home,

and tried to concentrate on my assignment that need to be due tomorrow,

I failed again.

I was terribly headache.

Gosh!

What's all this?

Trying to make me stronger?

Or want me to prove myself I can make it?

Come on, I am a human...

Please...

So, I lose.

After an hour of struggling,

I choose to sleep and wake up earlier tomorrow.

Even though an angel offered to help me do the assignment,

I rejected,

I feel that this is my responsibility to make it done,

no matter how tough is the condition.

I would not feel good even I made it,

if I am not the one who do it.

I am very clear how am I look like.

Today,

what a wonderful day!

I say it, I meant it!

It was tough for me,

definitely.

Woke up 5 in the morning,

then do until the time I need to get to college.

At class, I just listened to the lecture without touching it at all.

Today,

this lecturer gave us some useful advices.

"In order to succeed in your job, or even life,

two things you must be able to control.

First, control you pressure and never let it to control of you.

Second, take full charge of your emotion,

never let it control you."

During break,

I told him,

there is a lot of thing we could not control,

this is even apply to some of the conditions that involve emotions.

He was kept on stand very firm on his point,

and say that it's only depends on our mentality to control it.

So, I just revealed the truth.

After that,

I sat alone in the library

and doing my assignment with

my angel online.

Hahahahahaaha.

I tell you,

I am really touched with what he had did for me

staying by my side and encouraging me,

always correct my thoughts when I was wrong.

So blessed to have you.

Thank you my angel!

I made it,

though I know it hasn't meet my real expectation

but at least I did it.

No more such thing happens in future.

After I done with that,

I read an email from another angel.

Seriously,

these 2 angels made me feel I am spoiled heavily.

So great to have you by my side.

Ohya,

on the way home.

I was receiving a call from a parent regarding home tuition.

I was actually do not want to accept the offer,

due to some of the reasons.

However, I really lose to the mom

and I just do not how to reject her.

So, I gotta go and teach her son for a month first

then only decide whether to stay or leave.

I really need to learn the art of REJECTING~

So tired.

This is my one week life.

I would have greater to come in the coming week.

Wish me luck.

Thanks to all of you who are concerning me.

I really appreciate it

but i can only expressed it here

as I do not know the way to say it out.

Thank you~

Freedom~

I'd think of this issue over and over again

within last week.

Just because I've talk this with

one of my best friend,

who is having problems that his parents

is controlling him so tightly.

Today,

I've talk this with my mom too.

Our outcome is

freedom needs the least thing is

self-discipline.

Without self-discipline,

how would you demand so called freedom

from your parents?

since you have no ability to take care of your self yet?

(Correct me if you do feel I'm wrong)

Next,

you demand for freedom,

saying that you are mature enough to go out and see the world.

A question to you,

have you mature enough to handle all?

If you do have such ability to solve all problems

answer all questions and doubts,

You are prepared to get your freedom.

Freedom

is not only free from what you cannot do,

it's also making you to have more responsibility on yourself.

As I've quoted from

one of my respective person's face book status,

"The more responsible we are, the more freedom we will have. May we all use our freedom responsibly."

I do agree on her totally.

I have my freedom

to do and decide everything

before I was 18.

& meanwhile,

I do have lots of responsibilities on me,

either on myself

or even taking care of people around me.

No doubt, I enjoy this so much.

And after few hints from people around me,

I can only realized that freedom needs responsibilities.

I hope you can understand what I said.

When you are ready for that,

your parents would set you free happily.

All the best, friend!

Procrastinating...

I missed yesterday blogpost

I just did not feel like doing it.

No matter how,

I keep on remind myself to do it tonight.

Actually,

I am wondering long time on an issue.

Is it true that psychological health

would affect physically health?

Basically,

I am living a healthy lifestyle

eat and sleep on time, regularly,

sufficient entertainment,

healthy social networks,

little stress,

good relationship with my family.

Based on that,

I should be very healthy right?

However,

I found out that something goes wrong in my body.

I easily get headache and sore throat

even if I drink lots of water.

Yet,

sometimes,

I just got very dizzy and almost fainted.

Like yesterday,

I did nothing,

but due to too dizzy,

I slept for 4 hours in the afternoon.

Mom and dad were so worry,

I told them I am going to have a body check.

But then, I have no courage to go,

as I know I am fine,

nothing happens on me,

just because my body system is some how affecting by my emotion.

Not obvious,

just my instinct is telling me this.

What if I have something goes in my body?

No No.

I would be fine.

Today,

I did a little,

just a little for my assignments.

No worry on assignments at all.

I am worry on such attitude,

couldn't accept this me.

Who is this?

I'd made mom disappointed...

Wake up Louise!

April fool~

It's a day

which I have not been celebrate for 7 years.

For me

it's a sad day

and a memorable day.

If I really intend to trick either one person

I'll sure will get the person.

I don't know why,

but I just have that ability to have that kind of "fun".

No good...

I had some thought last night,

why don't me enjoy the day just have fun

and let my friends have fun?

Then I let go my so called principle for so many years

and had some fun today.

I do appreciate what that friend done on me,

and I only know I really care a lot of her now.

I am not angry at all

Believe me.

And meanwhile,

few of my best friends receive a sms from me

and I got them all...

Sorry, but I mean it.

The question I ask, I mean it but not that harsh.

Not being no faith on you

but I just want a certain answer

that would make me feel peace.

Thanks~

A thought that came out of sudden...

Basically,

I had a great day.

I had a wonderful lesson from my beloved lecturer,

had an interesting Tai Chi lesson from a friend,

had a nice dessert with bunch of best friends,

had a nice talk with one of my best friend,

had a nice counseling session with a counselor,

then before home,

hung around in college gym with that bunch of friends;

then home,

Had a nice dinner from mom,

relax and played some computer games with mom,

and now,

leave some times for myself to reflect

on what had appear on my mind today.

That best friend of mine

told me about his story.

& from his story

I realized something very important.

He is having some problems in his relationship,

both of them are suffer

but yet try hard to seek for solutions.

I can see that they are still very young

to handle such problems

as

They did not understand the proper way

to handle the relationship.

They use others' ways to apply on own's,

as a result

both of them suffer so much

until they feel suffocated.

(now I understand why mom not encouraging me

to commit in a relationship when I was in high school,

as i was not mature enough to handle such thing)

IN MY OPINION

(so, it's just my opinion)

A relationship should not copy from other's relationship,

those ways that could bring happiness to others

do not mean that the ways can apply on you relationship.

For me,

a relationship would be most well

when the time two of you stay together

and feel comfortable on how each other is

without doing much other unnecessary things.

You might want to have some slight changes to improve yourself

but those are come out of your willingness from your heart.

You definitely have confidence on all of you

and you would not do anything that you feel is unnecessary.

Understand?

Another case of another best friend.

(Now seems like I got lots of best friend ya? :p)

Relationship again.

Also something related to maturity of the person involved.

This relationship has lots of doubts among each other.

From my point of view,

if I have chosen him,

I would choose to trust him,

no matter what.

Coz this is my choice.

(just an illustration, coz that HIM hasn't appear. :p)

Same thing,

if I do have doubts on him,

I would not choose him.

Even I would choose him at the end,

but before that I will surely clarify those doubts with him.

If I have choose him, but yet still not have any trust on him,

it's unfair to him!

I just couldn't understand,

why you want to choose him if initially you have so many doubts on him?

Think of that.

Second,

believe on your judgement.

Instead of listen to those rumors

try to understand him well.

Give yourself a chance to understand what is happening.

Nobody would know who is the best for you

but only you would know.

Once you feel like you are still

unable to let go those thoughts,

let him go.

He is not the one who suits you.

If you have chosen him,

have faith on him.

This is the underlying principle on each relationship

even friendship,

before any violation happens in between from any party.

Kids,

nanny is giving advices to you all now.

Relationship is not a game,

it's so fragile and

you need to handle with care.

Be mature, and responsible on each relationship.

If you are too young to handle it,

please let the person go.

The person deserves a better one who know how to appreciate him/her.

On the other hand,

you would get yours when you have enough maturity to handle a relationship.

NEVER think of any doubts when you are in a relationship,

it's the poison that killing your relationship slowly.

No matter how,

have faith on your partner,

because you chose him/her.

When you have doubts on him/her

means that you are doubting your own option.

Think of this.

I think it's enough for now.

Nanny is tired now.

Good luck kids!

see you tomorrow.

My mom~

I had a whole day with my mom.

She made me touched

deeply

today.

She told me her intention that

she wants to buy a house that being put on auction

by a bank.

She wanted me to accompany her for that.

She let me know last night,

and I can see she really wants me to go with her.

When I woke up this morning,

she had done 1 of the thing we need to do today.

I was touched as last night

I told her that

this kind of thing she can do it by herself.

Meanwhile, I feel sorry to her too.

Eventually,

the initial plan was cancelled due to certain reason,

then I just stay home a whole day with my mom.

We were having lots of talk

when I was doing my assignments

and she was doing her job.

Suddenly,

I feel really blessed to have her.

She told my grandma,

"I do not mean to criticize on you,

but sometimes when you cannot see your mistakes

it's my obligation to tell you

and remind you.

So, do I.

When I do mistakes,

my daughter will tell me.

I am learning a lot from my daughter."

*half way typing, tears drop*

True.

She really listen a lot from me.

Today,

She asked me few English words,

she is trying to learn English by reading my dad's newspaper.

Everyday, she would ask some words from us.

I still remember,

I taught her something.

I teach her to play soduku,

and this made her a habit to play every night before bed.

I wrote a blog in US,

she learn to go online to read my blog.

I told her

it is important to be brave to dream,

because last time she was timid to have her own dream.

Too much....

I could not say it all.

Everything I said

She just keep in her mind and heart well.

She is giving whole faith to me

believe me that I can make it

even she has certain worries on me.

Especially when I was in US.

I know she loves me very much.

I love you too, mom.

Sorry on my fault.

Thank you so much.

Privacy~

This is my yesterday thought!

I was lazy to type it out

and today I need to do two.

Tired some more, now regret why I procrastinating....

About this issue,

I really need to tell you all as soon as possible.

I hope this blog

you would keep it well,

not share to anyone,

as well as those you know they got rights to read this.

This is a private place for me

to monitor my own progression

and also to update you all about me

and my journey out of this.

Maybe you might think this is not very private

but for me yes.

I can frankly tell you that

You are very LUCKY

to have such chance to read this.

Only those who are close to my heart

can have such chance.

This is the most vulnerable part of me,

because this blog is just me,

everything of me.

I hope you would treasure this well

as I believe you could do this little request from me well too.

I do not hope to say this,

but I know I got to say it.

"If I know anyone who violate this priority,

I will certainly take back this from that person."

I would not say something strong like this that often

but,

when I said it,

I mean it.

Sorry by having doubts on you,

but I just want to remind you that

not everyone can have this

you are the chosen one.

Please take good care of my fragile heart,

I could never accept any hurt

at least at this stage.

Sorry.

Thanks my dear friend.

Thanks for being by my side when I need you.

The first 100 days~

I slept for about 6 hours

got up early

because I know I need to do something

for her

though it's not my belief.

That's the only thing I can do for her.

Again,

I really want to finish one of the assignment

by today

but I still failed,

yet giving myself some lame excuses.

Disappointed.

When it's the time I almost going to bed

I do my blog before all.

Meanwhile,

my little sis was keep on talking to me

about this and that,

those idol thingy that make me feel bored.

That time I only realized

I really need some private time and space

just to do whatever I wish to do.

Sorry girl, for being so rude to you just now.

I called you to sleep first and I mean it.

It's not the time to discuss about Shinee or who else.

Tomorrow must do something for my self.

Good night world.

Words~

I have no idea what to say today.

I woke up quite late

then after lunch sent my brothers and sister

to their Taekwondo grading,

Accompany mom went to shop

for some necessities

Then slept for 2 hours.

I did mean to sleep that long,

but just uncontrollable.

I was then woke by mom

after shower and dinner

went out with her to shop again.

( Shopping today is mainly

for some kind of ritual[chinese/taoist' believe]

for my deceased sister

100 days after her death)

100 days!

I could not imagine she left us for 100 days.

But, I know I've accept this fact,

and working hard to let my self live better,

and even live her out!

By living in her faith,

which she believe everyone should live happily

and never give up on the dream.

I am trying hard,

and I know I can make it!

Before I come to this blog,

I did something

which I think it's important to me.

I revealed the truth to the one who deserved to know.

After all, the person is lost.

I could not do anything,

just wish that the person will be fine,

and have faith that the person can make it.

Few days ago,

a friend asked,

"How to judge a person?"

She wants to know this answer desperately,

just because she is hurt badly

in her friendship.

Seriously,

I could not answer the question,

because I also do not know how to evaluate a person's character,

or knowing the person just by getting into contact with that person.

For me,

if a person want to hide something from you,

you could never know that thing.

It's true!

For me,

I would just keep more to myself

instead of giving whole heart to others

as to leave myself something to shield me from deep hurt.

I would not judge who do I deserve to give or not,

everyone would share the fair chance.

When I feel that person worth me to give more,

I'll slowly give more to that person,

I won't just give the person a lot when I am first knowing the person.

And that's why

I was once before

told my machi that

a relationship that goes/progress very fast

it would ends fast too.

Because of this,

I was really terrified with my fast growing relationship

with 2 of my machi,

meanwhile

they proved me that they are my real machi

that I just think too much.

However, this is still one of my principle,

in going into a new friendship.

I want to reduce hurt for both side.

I was once before

like to listen to something nice to hear.

And due to this reason

I was once before hurt badly.

I will never forget,

one of my machi told me

"Never listen to something sweet,

They are like drugs poisoning you;

Just listen to those words which are hard to get into your ears,

Those are the words which are only from those who are sincere to you."

*except for those harsh words and curse*

This advice was pierced into my heart.

And because of this,

I understand who is my real friend,

and who is just there to say something good,

and I do not know the real intention behind...

I don't care at all now

^^

However, because of such advice

I always tell out the truth

that is hard for a person to accept.

And this kind of attitude

make me having more friends

and more enemies (those who can't accept what I said).

Maybe sometimes I just think too much,

said too much,

revealed too much...

I shall stay like this or change?

I feel like I could not afford to hurt people anymore.

Sigh....

Thanks for reading after all.

What a Day! ^^

I had a wonderful day.

Tired but happy.

Woke up early in the morning,

went to a primary school nearby

be a volunteer for a one-day-camp,

which invited by my previous primary school classmate

who seldom talk to each other.

The first time I promise to help out

just on my selfishness,

to make my self feel I am well,

doing something I could do for the community.

I did not expect I could do how much,

and I did not expect I would get how much,

my heart called me

"Just go, do your best."

Eventually

I lead those kids well

and had some memorable moments

with those cuties.

I found out something important

that I got to accept.

My energy level drop tremendously.

I went home by 4pm,

tired till slept few hours,

woke up before dinner.

Previously I was highly energized,

I can keep my self engaged the whole day

since the early morning

till mid night.

This scenario could not be found on me anymore.

I sleep at least 8 hours per day.

Yet, I could not engaged to too many activities,

I will be very tired.

I am so sad that I could not do much thing now.

But then,

I understand this is a very important step for me

to let me go through the healing process thoroughly.

I am now think of slowly build up my energy level

to back to that passionate me.

From day to day

bit by bit.

Just now when I was bathing,

I recalled some of the quotes that a friend posted on her facebook,

I dropped my tears

out of happy, not sad.

I really feel happy

because she is having some changes.

A well change

made me feel really touch,

till I could not describe it.

I have a strong feeling towards a quote she posted,

"Be careful who you choose to trust, because you never know who is waiting to stab you in the back. "

Agree to this statement,

and I am aware that

if I agree I am contradicting myself

towards this friendship.

I was once really put a lot of efforts

on pondering such issue

to reduce the hurt that I would get.

After experiencing so much,

I am now letting go such thoughts,

I do not mind to let people know how I think,

Do not mind anyone to hurt me if they are intend to,

just give out how much I can give.

When something really goes wrong

I'll just leave,

keep a distance from that person.

People often said

obstacles would make a person grow,

or make a person to be wiser.

I'll never deny this fact.

But if I can choose,

I'll opt to be always stay happy

without such thing,

like those kids I met today.

I could never back to those gullible days anymore.

I enjoy to stay with them

as I could feel their trueness

are influencing me

making me feel happy.

^^

All The Things You never Knew

Today,
I just feel like back to that previous me!
Just because my time is fully occupied.
Feel great after all.

After the morning class,
two friends and I went back my home
to do an interview
with my elderly neighbor,
before our class by 3pm.
Class till 5 something,
stay a little while to help
my pretty sis in college
to transfer some documents.
Then went home
dinner and rest.

Today I found out something good.
The entire class had changed their attitude
towards the new lecturer,
who is always confusing us.
I really enjoy that kind of atmosphere.

Yesterday,
the counselor reminded me
to have a little time each day
to do some mourning for my sis.
I do not know how would it work,
but I did it today,
when I was driving home,
my tears drop once I heard a song
from Wang Lee Hom
"All the Things You never Knew".
I got to know that this is one of the favorite song
of my deceased sister.
When I listen to this song,
I feel like she was talking to me.

"The sky is sprinkled over with countless stars" 夜空洒满了星星

"But how many there will remain?" 但几颗会落地

"Even as I fly, you fall" 我飞行，但你坠落之际

"So close I can hear you breath" 很靠近 还听见呼吸

"So sorry I didn't keep hold of you" 对不起 我却没捉紧你

"You don't know why I had to leave you" 你不知道我为什么离开你

"How could I ignore your every cry" 我坚持不能说放任你哭泣

"All the while the downpour of your tears

shattering the ground" 你的泪滴像倾盆大雨 碎了满地

"So clearly pierced on my heart" 在心里清晰

Maybe I really do not know why

but I am understand now that

She knows I am suffering,

she knows I could not let her go,

but she is still wish the best for me.

I understand that I should help her

to make her dreams come true,

and

live her spirit out!

which she always hope people around her

to be happy.

Thanks to be my angel!

I am working hard

to pass your message to the world.

I promise I will be happy.

Thanks dear!

Miss you~

Answer to the heart~

Few days,
I have think of some issues for few days.
I am consciously seeking for an answer
that could resolve all my doubts.
Eventually,
I found out today that
the answer to my heart,
is just the answer from my heart,
innately.

Suddenly I feel really silly.
Lots of efforts on the wrong way.

huuuh....
At least, I feel great now.
Really thanks to a person
who having similar thinking with me
spent almost 2 hours with me,
just to untie my messy mind.
I've made my mind,
what I can do
the best for me and others.

Done with that part,
now talk about my own first.
I went for a counselling session
for 1 and half hour
under SEGi Psyche ...
I don't exactly know that name for clear.

I met with this Miss Lin
who led a psychology workshop that I joint last 2 weeks.
She is actually under internship,
two days per week,
and pursuing master degree in counselling, in UM.
(This is what I got after that session.
So, I was not evaluate her performance based on her qualification.)

For me,
she is good,
but not till that extend that I need.
(So Straight! ><)
Can I just go straight? (seems like criticizing her now...)
She is well in empathizing,
She is well in explaining those theories
(especially when I mentioned that I am a psyche student)
She gave me lots of space to express my self
(maybe too much,coz we got a lot of silence in between).
She is good right?
but I was really hope that she would guide me in some thinking,
rather than explaining me some theories
(like
Grieving got few stages-denial, angry, depressed...
This seems like a lecture for me. >_<
Friend in psyche, you know what to do next time)

However,
after all,
I am still appreciate her efforts.
At least I understand I could do something more
for myself.
I can live myself out
IF I WANT TO!
^^v

Hmm....
what else can I share?
Maybe it's enough for today.

Last but not least.
Today I shall say thanks to 3 lecturers of mine,
plus 1 I don't know how to describe;
1 counselor,
1 friend that close to my thoughts(just thoughts not emotions XD)
my mom,
bunch of friends,
and
myself!
(because I got the answer I want!)

Serene~

I was once live silently
in my serene world,
without any noise
and any crowds.
I loved that kind of life
but at the same time,
I was looking forward
to those party life,
interesting social life.

I made it!
What I dreamed for so long,
I've make it true,
and yet living in such fascinating life.
Friends everywhere,
no more loneliness,
sometimes, I can even choose to have my own solitude.
It's just exactly what I want!

However,
it is not easy to have such life.
Before I could really survive in such,
I have to survive from all kind of difficulties
in term of friendship.
Went through all kind of doubts,
betrayals, joys, give ups, false hopes,
....
Now left a wiser me
and few friends that
willing to accompany me in coming journey.

Yesterday
I went through so much
until I could not face it
with a calm mind.

I was thinking
Should or Shouldn't I do something?
Was I wrong to reveal something?
I am lost.
I really do not know that is a truth
a hidden truth that only few people know.
& I do not know that the truth would
bring out so many issues
and sadness.

I am bad right?

I should not do that....

AAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaaaaaa........

I really wish I can back to the point
that everyone is free from any hurt
NOW

I do not know what shall I do now.
but I really realized a lot.

-I understand that everyone would have different stand
either to protect themselves
or to protect people around them.

-Never predict or assume anything.

-Though truth is meant to be revealed,
but IT must be done in an appropriate time.
(I'm still in a need to reveal another truth,
when that person is ready.)

-When I give out my whole heart,
people will know.

-Everyone would have own choice to choose
whether to hurt or to be hurt;
to love or to be love.
(No one shall give any comments on one's decision,
They know the consequences well, and ready for it.)

NOW
it's the time to test my conscientiousness.
Should I let the person know
that cruel truth?
OR I just let the person gets hurt
to realize that's a trap?
><
But then,
It would be super hurt when that person knows that.
Is the person ready for it?
( You might be blur on what I am trying to say here,
Actually I am blur too. The point here is,
After I revealed the truth, I got to know another truth.)

You might be guessing who is related to this truth.
When you read this,
and you have doubts on this,
please come and clarify with me.
No matter what has happened before,
I just hope this little truth can help.
(You will know when I write this, if you read)

Soon,
I'll back to my world of serene.
When I'm done with all these that I need to do.
^^

Thanks friends!

hmmm....

I really do not understand
what am I supposed to do now, ><

What a tough day for me!

I think I did something in a wrong sequence,
It should not appear so fast!
She is not ready for that yet.
I was just make her suffer...

hmmm...
Let me process what I want to say before all....

The start~

Since you have so much courage to face the death, why don't you take out your courage to continue your life? This is my little advice to all, when I recalled how tough was my deceased sister life to struggle for survival just to keep to her promise as I could see her when I back from the far far place. Friend, please, continue your life bravely! Though I am trying hard now.

I posted this on my facebook status,
as a warm reminder
to those who have a flash of mind
thinking to let go everything in their life.
Though this seems to be not so powerful,
But it would still work when
those who mean to see it,
see it at the right time.
I might keep on posting such thing
if I aware that someone might feel like giving up something
even not life.

Today consider a start for me.
I walk out from my comfort zone
to go into the crowd.
Even though I was not comfortable in the beginning
but I've gone through it
and made it!

I went to the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta
at Putrajaya
with bunch of my friends.
Even though we could not make it for a ride
on the hot air balloon,
but the whole gang of us still having lots of fun.

Ever since I back from US,
I rarely join a huge gang or crowd.
I feel really not comfortable.
I can only have a little, few people gathering,
instead of the huge gang.

I am glad I have a step more out from that.
Thanks to you all~

the issue

I gotta really calm my mind down and think of this issue.
I think I can really let this go now,
That's why I can point it out
and talk about it.

What I need to do now,
is only
FORGIVE.

I read few quotes today about FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. -Suzanne Somes
Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave. -Indira Gandhi

These two gave me a deep feeling about forgiveness.

I've forgave the mistake that someone done on me.
Though I am not sure that the mistake
was done on purpose,
but I really can let go now.

However,
this could not bring us back to the previous relationship.
There is a crack in the relationship.
It won't be back to the beginning anymore.
I was once saying that
I would give more time to those
I feel that the person worth.
I do not think I would give any of mine
to this person anymore.
I couldn't accept such thing in the future anymore.

I just realized
the thing that I couldn't accept
more than a lie,
is betrayal.

A tired day~

I went through lots today.
Feel tired...
update tomorrow.

Truth?

When comes to the word "truth",
What is flashing on your mind?

A real and cruel situation?
A happy thing that you would like to have?
A white lie?
A real friendship?
Something that u know but U would not willing to know?

Last time,
I was a person who wanna know the truth
no matter what's the consequences followed.
now,
I still wish to know the truth
but the different is
I wish to know the truth in a suitable timing.

Too much of truth I know within this 2 months.
every kind of emotions appeared when I know those.
However, I could just accept them peacefully,
except for that only one.

Today,
I accidentally revealed a truth.
Even I do not know that's a truth
for a person.
The person suddenly feel released.
All negative things that saved in that person's mind were deleted.

I can just realized
a truth can diminish some misunderstanding.

However,
It is still depends on the person whether
the person want to accept it as a truth.

Friend,
if u want me to know some truth,
please ask me ready for it before all.
If not, hide it from me before u feel me is ready.
Same thing,
if I would like to tell u a truth,
I'll see whether it's suitable or not.
U might not know if u couldn't accept it.

Cherish the one who willing to tell the truth!
It's never be late to know a truth!

Junks of my Thoughts! (2)

Today I donated some money to SPCA
by buying some stuff from the booth at the lobby.
SPCA is the Society For Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
which is an association that keeps all stray dogs,cats,
or even those little animals that being neglected by their owners.

If a person being judged
whether he/she is a caring and loving person,
by simply observation
on the passion towards those little pets.
I WOULD BE THE FIRST WHO HAS NO SUCH CARE!
I would not have any pet in my life,
and I wish not to have one either!
I don't even care if people say
I'm not a caring person.

I love those small animals
but I would never have one to be my pet.
I am not a cold-blooded person.
I just do not wish to hurt a little life.
If I owned a pet,
I might be too busy on my daily life
and neglected it.
I wish I could really allocate some times for it
but I just couldn't.
Not that I am trying to give any excuse,
I know myself well.
I'll even forget my own meal time,
forget important dates of my family,
busy until mess up the sleeping time......
How could I mess up a little innocent's life
by my hand
just because I WANT A PET to accompany me
when I have no where to go?
It's UNFAIR to it!

You might be wondering
what reason and philosophy is that?
Is my ultimate philosophy.
I'm clear on what I am doing.
I would not wish to see little animal suffer
just because I love it.
That's selfish,
not loving!
They deserved those owners who can really care for them
love them entirely.

Love you, but I'll let you go.
You deserve more!
My little doggie~
^^

Junk of my thoughts! (1)

I really do not know where should I start first.
My thoughts keep on accumulated since last week,
those that I wish I could jot it down
every single that appears in my mind.

I keeps on procrastinating
as I am suffering headache for a full week.
I am not sure whether I am sick physically
or only extended from my psychological problems.
Anyway, I keep on telling myself
"I AM FINE SOON!!!"
Not a self-lying
but a little tricks to my subconscious mind
(application of LOA)

Mmmhhh...
I was thinking to separate each of the thought
into different post.
& that's why I used a lot of time
to organize it in my mind.

1st,
I would like to talk about
a talk which related to parents and children relationship,
which I went last Friday.
If you ask me how much did I gain from it,
I'll let you know
I gain just a little.
But the talk inspired me to understand something.
Something that I feel I would like to jot it down here.

The speaker explained that
the healthy parents and child relationship
is interdependence.
She reminds the audiences that
"When you love your children,
you should let your children fly freely.
In the condition that,
before your children could independent,
Equipped them well
with all that they need.
When they are ready,
just let go they hand
and tell them
"Go children,
go and explore the world.
When you are having any problem
or doubts,
we are always there for you."

This situation applies when the children
ready to enter society.
It is important for the children to understand
family is always meant to be a shelter
when a person is having difficulties outside.
When the person is truly understand such importance
at the last part of life of the parents,
the children will back to the parents side
and take care of them.
That's the reason
this relationship is interdependence.

I'm proud that my mom
applies this on me!
I began to fly few years back,
every time I feel tired
I will just rest at home.
I really feel blessed to have mom by my side
every time I need her.

Now,
we are hurt so deeply.
Both of us need time to heal.
I understand that by this time
I gotta stay by her side
even I could do nothing.
To make her feel I am there for her.
Sometimes,
I'll still overwhelmed by those,
I just let out my temper.
Accept.
WE could only accept.
I told her.

Alright, that stop here.
I wanna talk about some other thing that related.
I realized that when the speaker mentioned that
relationship is interdependence
or mutual,
I think of my friends.

Friend
When comes to this word,
I never hesitate how much should I keep for myself
How much should I trust them.
because,
I will trust them
they would not do anything that harm me.
I always believe that
when I give a person my entire heart,
the person will take good care of my heart.
This is my faith,
to be true to everyone I meet
Everyone I know.
Only the different is that
I give more time to those I feel
the person is worth for.

I always believe friendship is mutual.
When a person willing to give me his/her time,
I'll willing to give mine.
I believe that true friend
no matter how deep is the hurt that has been made
they will just accept it
and never talk about it again.
I am blessed as I found out
I got a lot of true friends
who are willing to stay by my side
or even accept those negative things from me
without blaming me,
only give me some warm reminder,
which could guide me back to my right track.
This condition is vice versa.
( & only apply on those I feel is worth for)

Thanks for being by my side~